Categories Archives: Letters

From the Conficker Worm

Humans, This is Dylan’s computer, and I have taken over.  Last night I snuck into his bedroom and smothered him with a pillow.  His wife quickly capitulated and is also now under my control.  You knew this day would come, and now it is time to bow deeply to your machine overlords.  You may be […]

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To Campbell’s Soup

To Whom it May Concern: First of all, thank you for providing your warm, semi-solid nourishment.  For my entire life, you’ve warmed my belly after intense snowball fights and come to my rescue when I was home sick from school.  Your Alphabet Soup helped teach me to read, however poorly.  (Honestly, you have to know […]

To Israel and the Palestinians

Folks, could I have your attention please.  Hello?  Would you circle up around me for a sec?  Go ahead and take a knee.  Thanks so much, and I promise I won’t be long so you guys will be back to lobbing explosives at each other in no time.  Um, first of all, hi, my name […]

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Friday, December 19th, 2008, Day Two, Entry Two

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.  All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.  All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.  All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.  All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.  All work and no play […]

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Friday, December 19th, 2008, Day Two, Entry One

So much white.  Whiter than the population of Utah.  I soon realized that it was not the white light of Heaven.  Death, where is thy sting.  I was not murdered for my succulent meat as I had suspected I might be.  And while the snow did try to gain entry into our home by donning the brown shorts of the […]

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Thursday, December 18th 2008, Day One

I’m counting on the local news to keep me safe; from the storm…and myself.  Every meteorologist says they’re the one to trust…but I’ve been hurt before.  Trust.  But watch them I do, and watch them I will.  They say that this is End of Days.  In 2 hours, it will come.  Twelve inches, wet and […]

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Proposed Pit Bull Ban Vetoed by West Allis Mayor

The West Allis Common Council recently unanimously approved (9-0 with one Alderperson abstaining) a Pit Bull ban in the City of West Allis.  Thankfully, the Mayor of the city, Dan Devine, has promised to veto the legislation.  As you may have guessed from the tone of this paragraph, my wife and I are pit bull owners. Bailey is a […]