Dylan Bolin

It’s Bay View, nighttime Trick or Treating time again.  When I was a resident of Bay View, I was happy to participate, and gave myself over 100% to the event, even going so far as to dress up myself.  There was a real sense of community about it.  Unfortunately, I no longer live in Bay View.

The thing is, I haven’t moved.  Believe me, if I had moved, I’d have mentioned it here.  In fact, I didn’t know that I no longer lived in Bay View until one day, when I was out walking my dog, I came across this spray-painted on the sidewalk:

I live on the upside-down side.

Trust me, this took some getting used to.  From then on, when people asked me where I lived I said:  “I live in Bay…(sigh) I just live in Milwaukee.”

But here’s the thing:  Come Trick or Treat time, Bay View graciously extends their border to include the home where my wife and I live.  Never mind that I now have to participate in both Milwaukee’s daytime Trick or Treating AND Bay View’s nighttime Trick or Treating.  Such is the bane of being a Bay View Ex-patriot.

I have a question however:  Who decided this?  I mean, Bay View is not an actual city like Wauwatosa, Shorewood, Whitefish Bay, St. Francis or Cudahy; it’s a community, a made up construct like, say, Riverwest.  When you call the Fire Department in “Bay View,” it’s a Milwaukee truck that shows up. 

And the criterion of “Bay View” is certainly not a “view” of the ”bay;” that would be a narrow strip of the city roughly two blocks deep.

But it’s apparently official enough to spray paint it on the sidewalk.  Believe you me, I’d get arrested if I spray-painted this on the sidewalk:

And it would be a Milwaukee cop doing the arresting.

I guess nothing says “Bay View” like spray-painting the sidewalk to let others know that they aren’t.

Stay classy, Bay View.

-Dylan

If there’s a more uneasy relationship than that shared by art and commerce, I don’t know what it is.  That ill-fated pairing, complete with the requisite persecutors, victims and saviors, is on display for all to see here in Milwaukee.  If you plan on attending, this particular passion play runs indefinitely.

Here’s the play synopsis:  The Skylight Opera Theatre, a perennial powerhouse of the Milwaukee theater scene, is in trouble; their building is crumbling, they’re $400,000 in debt, endowments are failing and, due to a lousy economy, investors are bailing like rats off the H.M.S. Pinafore.  They get together for a company meeting where, despite corporate layoffs on a massive scale all around the country, the Skylight honcho, Eric Dillner says they won’t fire anybody.  But there’s treachery afoot as the axe falls.  Four salaries are cut; one of which is Artistic Director, William Theisen.  While no one says exactly why, to be sure, Bill Thiesen is incredibly ”popular.”  Because the simple cost cutting measure of consolidation of responsibilities and elimination of redundancies is not dramatic or sexy enough, some in the theater community add the cry of “Coup!” to their background conversation of “Cantaloupe, watermelon, rutabaga.”  Threats are made, hands are wrung and impromptu meetings in parks are had.

Here’s what I find interesting:  In all that’s been written and blogged, rarely mentioned are the names of the other three salaries cut.  I suspect it’s because they don’t contain the words “Artistic Director” in their titles.  Because, for the protesters, this issue is not about business; it’s a war against Art itself. 

I should also add that no protester offered any actual money to pay Bill Theisen’s salary, and keep him gainfully employed with Skylight or even suggested a fiscal solution like, say, a bake sale.  No one is suggesting that money be raised to maintain the Skylight’s status quo.  In short, no one is offering a business solution.  What many are offering, however, is a never-ending wellspring of righteous indignation. 

Bill Theisen’s firing would be unremarkable if it had happened at A.O. Smith, Morgan Stanley or McDonald’s.  These same indignant artists would cluck their tongues, shake their heads and say:  “This crazy economy, huh?”  But mess with an Artistic Director, and it’s perceived as a “bad review,” and that they can’t abide. 

But here’s the thing:  There was no reason to hold a bake sale because Bill Theisen was actually offered the opportunity to freelance direct 4 of the 5 shows that he was originally scheduled to direct as Artistic Director.  Then, he was offered his old job back.  He refused on the grounds that it would be too difficult to artistically direct within the current artistic climate (Eric Dillner).

More protests ensued as did firings for insubordination.  Seen as “breach of contract” by Mr. Theisen, he withdrew as freelance director.  In solidarity, several local artists followed Mr. Theisen’s exodus who were then promptly and unceremoniously replaced.

And that’s where we stand.

Now, if you aren’t an “artist,” you may well look at this situation and think to yourself:  “What’s the problem?  They offered the guy his job back, which they sure as hell aren’t doing at G.M.  And then he quit?!  WTF?!”  If that’s you’re overall impression, then clearly you don’t understand art.

Art is very fragile.  Very few people have the knowledge, expertise and respect to handle it properly.  Besides, you can’t just let Art run around UN-directed; someone could get hurt or, worse yet, Art could fall into the wrong hands.  Thankfully, there are people out there with the free time and wherewithal to monitor this for you.   

Now, you may be wondering why I built this particular soapbox and from where my opinions come.  While I have performed on a couple of Milwaukee’s better-known stages, the work that I’m most proud of occurred back in the day by way of “zero sum” productions at bars, coffee houses and open-air spaces with a group called Inertia Ensemble.  Plays like Savage in Limbo and Mark Anderson’s The Urge.

(By the way, upstart theater company Youngblood Theatre is mounting Savage in Limbo at Landmark Lanes here in Milwaukee until July 29th.  I trust they cast a better “Tony” than I ever was.  Best of luck to your company, Youngblood.)

I’m not implying that we were better than more established theaters, but neither should it be assumed that, without a Board of Directors and a business model, that we weren’t creating “Art.”  Bidden or unbidden, with or without the intermediary of an Artistic Director, Art was present.  Besides, Art should be defined by the observers, not the players, right?  The creators are in charge of intention; the patrons are in charge of “Art.”

Sure, it’s common consensus that business has no business telling the artist what to create.  But when you cash that paycheck, you’re under commission, and that alters the relationship.  From the standpoint of Art, I commend Bill Theisen and the artists that accompanied him for acting as they did.  From a business standpoint, I commend the Skylight Board and management for trying to keep the organization solvent.

On to Act VIII.

-Dylan

Hello friends. 

I’m writing this having gotten exactly fifteen minutes of sleep last night, so forgive me if the tieping is strangely.  If you’re in the Milwaukee area, you know that a wicked batch of thunderstorms rolled through last night, and if you have a dog (even the most laid-back, laissez-faire kind) chances are it affected him/her.  That was certainly the case at our house.  Our five-year-old Pit/Lab mix, Bailey went through more stress than the original Mercury astronauts.

In an attempt to help her and any of your dogs who might be storm-phobic, I did some research.

It’s still just theory as to why dogs react the way they do to thunderstorms and perhaps not the same way to noise from, say, planes, trains or automobiles.  One theory is that, like many humans, they genuinely enjoy John Hughes.  Behaviorists (behaviourists to our European friends) aren’t sure whether they (the dogs, not the behaviorists) are reacting to the flashes of lightning, the sound of thunder, wind, rain, etc., but some dogs begin reacting up to 30 minutes before the storm arrives, leading some to believe that they are even reacting to changes in barometric pressure or the ionization of the air.

Certain dogs are predisposed to be thunderstorm-phobic more than others.  Collies, Shepherds, Hounds and other working and sporting breeds tend to react more so than others.  This is likely because their genetic make-up dictates that they react quickly and surely to stimuli, and the stimuli of a thunderstorm can be overwhelming.  

Rescue dogs (like ours) also have a similar predisposition.  Shelter dogs are more likely to have had scary or unpleasant experiences prior to being adopted making them highly sensitive.

But what to do about it?  According to my research:

• Don’t panic.  It’s very important that the human stay calm.  And even though the situation may be extremely frustrating, it’s also important that the human not lose his/her temper and scold the dog.  In the un-nuanced mind of a dog, this will only reinforce that there’s something to be afraid of.
• Don’t try to soothe the dog with baby talk or lavish affection.  Again, this will only reinforce the behavior.  Essentially, you’re saying:  “Good boy; be terrified!”
• Provide a safe, isolated space where they can “den.”  The bathroom, a closet, under the bed.  Let them know that it’s there and let them ride it out on their own.
• Put the dog on a leash and walk him/her through the house.  Have them perform behaviors that you’ve taught them and reward them accordingly.  Redirecting the dog’s focus (and yours) can work wonders; plus it provides normalcy amidst chaos.
• When it’s not storming, there’s something called “systematic desensitization.”  This involves gentle reminders of the storm (like a C.D.) and rewarding the dog with treats and affection when there is no sign of anxiety.
• Drugs.  As a last resort.  Consult your veterinarian.

 I hope some of these tips help.  Again, I did this research mainly for our family, but maybe it can help yours, too.  And judging by the Doppler radar, we might get to try them very soon.

Good Luck.

-Dylan

I’ve never told this to anyone, but I like to read.  As a clever little fat kid, sometimes books were the only friends I had.  And other times those friends were Waffle-O’s Cereal.  I’m serious.  “Waffle-O’s.”  And clearly, based on the box, eating Waffle-O’s was like eating gold.  So I guess it was okay to be fat; I was rich!

And when it was time to move all of those books, I packed them in a 36” television box.  When I tried to lift the box, the bottom exploded and I removed a sleeve of cardboard from around a Jenga Tower of dead friends.  Even when they weren’t forming a cube in the middle of my living room, they still found a way to take up more than a little space.    

Anyway, amazon.com has recently released their Kindle 2:  The second version of their attempt to make reading easier by making reading digital.  Now, let me pause to say that I love amazon.com.  It gives me exactly what I want the minute I want it.  And, in that respect, it’s the greatest virtual bookstore in the world. 

That is not to say that actual bookstores don’t have their place.  During my younger years, even if the bookstores didn’t have the book that I was looking for, I always enjoyed the ones they had.  And wouldn’t it be great if amazon.com and local bookstores could co-exist.

If you’re interested, here are the Kindle 2 vitals: 

“It’s Just over 1/3 of an inch thick.

It’s Lightweight: At 10.2 ounces it’s lighter than a typical paperback.

3G wireless lets you download books right from your Kindle, anytime, anywhere; no monthly fees, service plans, or hunting for Wi-Fi hotspots.

Books in Under 60 Seconds: Get books delivered in less than 60 seconds; no PC required

Improved Display: Reads like real paper; now boasts 16 shades of gray for clear text and even crisper images

Longer Battery Life: 25% longer battery life; read for days without recharging

More Storage: Take your library with you; holds over 1,500 books

Faster Page Turns: 20% faster page turns

Read-to-Me: With the new text-to-speech feature, Kindle can read every newspaper, magazine, blog, and book out loud to you, unless the book is disabled by the rights holder

Large Selection: Over 240,000 books plus U.S. and international newspapers, magazines, and blogs available

Low Book Prices: New York Times Best Sellers and New Releases $9.99, unless marked otherwise”

With the Kindle 2, I won’t have books lying all over the house.  And I can take 1,500 books with me on vacation.  But here’s the thing:  I kind of like books lying all over the house.  And if you require more than 1 book to make it through your vacation, it’s really not a vacation, is it? 

A bunker.  Now that’s a good place have 1,500 books in a very small space. 
         
So while it may be perfect for Bunker Readers, I don’t think the Kindle 2 is going to inspire anyone else to start reading more.  The die has sort of already been cast, hasn’t it? If you’re already a reader, you’re probably fine with the current system.  If you’re not already a reader, I don’t think the ability to effortlessly carry around 1,500 books is necessarily going to make you read any of them.

All that being said, if the Kindle 2 is interested in publishing blogs, allow me to be the first to kneel before our new Master.

-Dylan

I would like to congratulate everyone who is reading this, because if you are reading this right now, that means that you are alive.  If you are not reading this right now, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you are dead.  You could be reading something else or nothing at all.  Either way you’re dead to me.  But you may be thinking:  “Dylan, what are you talking about?  Of course we’re alive!  What’s all this about?”  Well my friends, it’s that kind of humble bravery that makes you so special.  You don’t have to hide it anymore.  Ladies and gentlemen, you are survivors!  You survived the last day of November, 2008.  You survived Milwaukee’s 2008 Blizzard-ish Winter Weather Snow Event!  We all did!  And however you survived, it’s that kind of plucky, human ingenuity that has kept us at the top of the food chain and showing Nature who’s boss for a million years…or 5700 years…or 2000 years…depending on the calendar you follow.

And the weather wasn’t always out to get us.  Back when we were kids, the weather just was.  Sometimes it made us wet, sometimes it made us warm, sometimes it made us cold and sometimes it gave us a day off of school.  It wasn’t until science gave us the technology to forecast the weather that we learned what a bastard the weather truly is.  And today, thankfully, we can forecast the weather accurately and beyond a shadow of a doubt. 

But we just need to look at history to know how mean weather can be.  Remember Noah?  Well, he didn’t build that ark for fun.  Sure he liked to build arks in bottles, but that’s probably why God chose him.  God appeared to Noah and said:  “Noah, I’m going to destroy everything with a flood and I want you to build an ark.” 

“You want me to build someone who rats out his friends?” Noah replied. 

“What?” 

“You want me to build a NARC?” 

“No!  For My sake, an ark.  It’s a boat.” 

“Are you going to kill me then?” 

“What?” 

“If you’re going to destroy Mankind, I’m a man.  Are you planning to destroy me?” 

“No, Noah, I’ll need you to repopulate the Earth.  You and your lovely wife…what’s her name?” 

“I’m not sure, Genesis doesn’t mention it.” 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, Genesis 7-7 says that I have one, but that’s where it stops.” 

“Huh.” 

“Yeah.” 

“How about your sons?” 

“Oh they have names:  Shem, Ham and Jafeth.” 

“Really.  Noah, you realize that you’re Jewish right?” 

“Oy.” 

“You’re Jewish and you named one of your sons Ham?” 

“Yeah…?” 

“Never mind.  So I need you to build an ark.” 

“I assume you’ll want the underbody rust-proofing.” 

“What?” 

“With a flood and all, you’re gonna want that rust-proofing.” 

“Okay…well I don’t want to spend a lot of money.” 

“It’s only an additional $1000.” 

“I don’t know.” 

“Tell you what, let me go talk to my manager.  Help yourself to some coffee.  I’ll be right back.” 

That’s exactly how it went, by the way.

And that was the first time that the weather attempted to destroy us, but as we saw on November 30th, 2008, it was not the last.  Gone are the days when God would appear and warn us of our impending doom.  Today, God has been replaced by our local news.  It is They who keeps us “safe from the storm,” using colorful maps and radars with names like Viper.  When the Viper Radar isn’t tempting Eve with the fruit of knowledge, it’s issuing severe weather warnings for our Gardens.  Every ten minutes a Local Celebrity appears on our televsion and calmly tracks the Apocolypse.  How can they be so glib and light?  I’ll tell you how; because in the basement of every local news studio, there’s a bunker filled with tooth whitener, hair gel and M-1 Light Bronze make-up foundation which is all a newscaster needs to survive until spring. 

Which gave me an idea.  I’m a husband now, and my first priority is to protect my family.  So with what was possibly my last two hours on Earth, I was determined to fight.  I would not go gentle into that good night. What do you do when Hell is raining down from Heaven?  You dig.  I decided to build a safe room shelter in my basement.  I ventured out into the wilderness where, surrounded by panicked citizens, I attempted to keep my wits. 

The sky hung heavy over South-Eastern Wisconsin like the swollen udder of a Devil Cow.  I collected the necessary materials and began building my personal ark.  Afterwards, I stocked it with food.  Soon the walls were lined with frozen pizzas, taco dip and tortilla chips and carton after carton of malted milk balls.  When the time was right, my wife gathered the kids and we entered the safe room.  I know what you’re thinking:  “But you don’t have kids.”  While this is technically true, I’ve found that a weather drama is always more compelling when kids are involved.  So, we collected the fictional kids and entered the safe room shelter. 

Minutes turned into hours and hours turned into days, because that’s how we measure time.  At about the seventh hour of our ordeal, the food ran out, and, while I’m not proud of this, my wife and I were forced to do the unthinkable.  Like the Donner Party and the soccer team from the movie Alive!, we had no choice but to resort to cannibalism.  Sure, the storm hadn’t started yet, but in the heat of the moment, sometimes there’s no such thing as the wrong choice or the right choice.  Sometimes there is only The Selfish Choice.  They were fictional kids anyway.  And my friends, God forbid you should ever be placed in that horrific situation, but if you are, learn from our suffering; make sure that you’ve stocked your safe room shelter with spicy mustard.  It brings out the flavor so much better than the plain yellow.

But just like the Biblical flood, eventually the skies parted and the dove returned with an olive branch.  Still full from our previous meal, we decided to let him live.  And here I am, writing to you today.  Like the Greatest Generation, we now are members of a very exclusive fraternity.  We survived Milwaukee’s 2008 Blizzard-ish Winter Weather Snow Event.  And let us never take this sweet life for granted.

-Dylan