Dylan Bolin

Folks, could I have your attention please.  Hello?  Would you circle up around me for a sec?  Go ahead and take a knee.  Thanks so much, and I promise I won’t be long so you guys will be back to lobbing explosives at each other in no time. 

Um, first of all, hi, my name is Dylan and it’s a pleasure to be here in the Gaza Strip.  I’ll cut right to the chase; I’ve got some good news and some bad news.  I know that God promised these 139 square miles to both of you and that that’s caused a little, shall we say, friction.  Well, the good news is:  You all can stop fighting.  Now for the bad news.  You all can stop fighting because, well, I’m not even sure how to put this, this area actually belongs to my wife and I.  You heard that right:  God promised it to us.

You see, my wife and I were married in Mexico.  One day while I was sipping a Tequila Sunrise, crisping my pasty Irish flesh on the beach at Cancun’s Grand Oasis Playa, I was approached by a fairly official-looking man who I assumed worked for the resort.  He offered me a free excursion to some Mayan ruins if he could have just a few moments of my time.  We sat down at a desk in the hotel lobby and he offered me the opportunity to invest in some land.  He said it was some prime real estate on the Mediterranean Sea.  It was probably a bad idea to sign the contract without consulting my new wife, but I did anyway.  He gave me a great deal; the whole shootin’ match (pardon the pun) for 500,000 Pesos.  I’m not sure of the current exchange rate, but it was about $35 American.

I certainly don’t expect you all to take my word for it, so I took the liberty of including this:

I know that this fellow might not hold a lot of sway in your area, but, trust me, he’s pretty big around here.  It was strange, he pronounced his name differently from the way I’m used to hearing it, but I figured that was just his accent. 

Anyway, fellas, thanks for hearing me out.  So, again, good news:  You can beat your swords back into ploughshares.  Bad news:  My wife and I need you out by February/March for our vacation.  Thanks so much.

-Dylan