Dylan Bolin

I’m a word nerd.  You might say I’m “a Werd.”  Then again, if you said that, people would probably assume that you were saying “word,” and just be confused.

That’s how I know that the New Oxford American Dictionary has recently unveiled their 2009 Word of the Year.  Oxford Dictionary doesn’t reveal the process by which it’s chosen.  The highly-secretive, Mason-esque event occurs behind closed doors, and the results are only known when white smoke is released and two people at a sidewalk cafe request a different table.

Maybe you know the winning word, but if you don’t, let’s play a little game:  I’ll list the word and a definition with 4 of the other nominees and you see if you can guess.  Ready?

“Unfriend”-to remove someone as a ‘friend’ on a social networking site such as Facebook.  I prefer “Unface.”  It implies some real conflict and and the chance of violence.

“Tramp Stamp”– a tattoo on the lower back, usually on a woman.  And trust me, ladies, it only gets sexier when you’re 40.

“Choice Mom”– a person who chooses to be a single mother.  Or chooses to get a Tramp Stamp at 40. 

“Death Panel”-a theoretical body that determines which patients deserve to live, when care is rationed.  I love this idea!  Please see:  “To the Sponsors of the Heath Reform Bill”

“Intexticated”-distracted because texting on a cellphone while driving a vehicle.  Okay, now they’re just making up Sniglets.

And the winner is:                Unfriend

They’ve already begun updating our culture.  Instead of “‘Til Death do us part,” wedding officiants are instructed to say:  “‘Til Life unfriends you.”  In the literary classic Lord of the Flies, Piggy is now “unfriended” by the boulder.  And Ken Burns has been ordered to alter the voice over in his highly-acclaimed P.B.S. series, The Civil War  to include the new word.  From now on, the Civil War is referred to as:  “A Nation Unfriended.”

Sadly, spell check has yet to catch up to this newest trend.

So welcome to the lexicon, “unfriend,” and may we be “unfriends” forever!

-Dylan

…a woman in a wheelchair was shouted down at a New Jersey town hall as she attempted to plead her case.

I just returned from a show at Marquette University where, for whatever reason, exactly half of the crowd began booing at the mere mention of President Obama’s name.

My friends, at this rate, we are two years from Mad Max’s Thunderdome.

I’ve made several jokes at the expense of the health care debate, but there’s something I’d like to say in all seriousness, and I’m paying my web host, so I’m going to say it here:  Make sure you’re on the right side on this one.

If, in your heart, you believe that our country will be worse as a result of insurance for all, if you believe that the government is going to kill your family while raising your taxes because, well, because they want to.  Surely the governement has it’s reasons.  If this is what you believe, then fight for it with all your heart.

If, in your heart, you believe that Health Care is a basic, human right, and a right that a for-profit corporation doesn’t have the right to give or take away.  Despite the fact that a massive Health Care overhaul will eliminate jobs and increase unemployment on an unfathomable scale unless those same employees become Government employees and are thereby paid with tax dollars not yet factored into any estimates.  If this is what you believe, then fight for it with all your heart.

Please, let us resort to our better natures.  Let us be thoughtful in our disagreements and empathetic in our opinions, because future generations are going to hold us accountable.  I want to tell my kids that I made my decision based on love for my fellow man, and not my fear of of him.  I want to tell my kids that I made my decision based on my love of life, and not my fear of death.

Even if I’m not currently as informed as I should be, I want to have the debate.  I want to know enough that I can say that I was on the side of what was right.  This really feels like one of those defining moments.

Anyway…

I promise I’ll go back to trafficking in fart jokes tomorrow.

-Dylan

If you’re on Facebook (which I am), no doubt you’ve been tagged to share 25 Random Things about yourself.  This chain tag is so prolific that Time Magazine has actually covered it.  It has all the charm of a chain letter except that a) you know exactly who sent it to you, b) there’s no promise of good fortune if you complete it and c) there’s no veiled curse if you don’t. 

What most people don’t know is that Facebook sells access to your profile and information to advertising firms who use the information to better target their marketing.  But the fact is that most people don’t care; they’re just happy that someone is interested in them. 

Because I have a website of my own, I decided to publish those 25 Random Things here instead of giving the website hits to Facebook.  I also won’t tag anybody else.

1.  For the better part of my character-building childhood, I had long hair and was mistaken for a girl.

2.  We had a blue Chevy truck/van without a middle seat, so my parents would sit me in a wooden chair and belt it to the chassis.  Don’t believe me?

3.  We were pretty poor so most of my clothes were hand-me-down.  Case in point:

4.  However, for my first day of sophomore year in High School (1985), I wore black parachute pants, a black and blue striped button-down and a thin leather tie.  Sorry, no photos exist of those heady days.

5.  Also as a boy, I was attacked by a (herd?/flock?/pride?) of pigs.

6.  Again as a boy, I thought that bears lived in the septic tank so, when I had to go #2, I was quick about it.  Lifting the lid alerted them to my presence, while I went they were organizing to come up through the pipes and when I flushed, it sent them back down from whence they came.

7.  I had a subscription to Ranger Rick Magazine.  While other kids had pages from Tiger Beat on their walls, I had pictures of actual tigers.

8.  I did stand up for the first time in fifth grade.  It was supposed to be a puppet act, but I was so terrified that the puppet (a snake named “Clyde”) glommed onto the microphone while I told one joke.  Exhibit A:

9.  I learned to read at a very young age and subsequently wanted to be a writer.  My first gig was re-writing the Story of Star Wars album verbatim on an old typewriter.

10.  I have an extra tendon in my left arm.

11.  I ran away from home several times and when I was 17, it finally stuck.

12.  As a child, I was allergic to cow’s milk, so I had to drink goat’s milk.

13.  According to my grandmother, we were descended from the same line as Anne Boleyn.  Not Anne herself of course as her failure to produce a male heir to Henry VII famously cost her her head.

14.  I saw my first professional baseball game at Wrigley Field in 1979.  The Cubs played the (then) Montreal Expos.  I got one of those mini, souvenir bats and hit marbles with it because I thought the sound was just like that of a real bat hitting a baseball.   

15.  Like a dog, I’ve always been kind of scared of vacuum cleaners.

16.  I’ve never come in first place for anything.  Ever.

17.  The first album that I bought for myself was a 45 of Styx Too Much Time on My Hands.

18.  I skipped kindergarten so I’ve always been the youngest person in my class.

19.  I’m a sushi fiend.

20.  I was once Employee of the Month at Wendy’s on east Capitol Drive.  Had my name on the sign and everything.

21.  I was once an A.B.O. Certified Optician.  While I’m sure my certification has lapsed, I still know what I’m doing.

22.  I have owned some fairly exotic pets including several snakes, anoles and a tarantula.  I ended up leaving the tarantula with my grandmother and, when it died, not wanting to hurt my feelings, she told me (God as my witness, this is true) that she gave it to a nice farm family.  A Tarantula frolicking in a rolling pasture!  Awesome!

23.  The first play I was in was Stone Soup.  The reviews were stellar.

24.  I actually ordered Sea Monkeys off the back of a comic book.  Guess what?  They’re not monkeys at all but rather Brine Shrimp.  They also don’t wear bikinis.

25.  In middle school, I built a “tornado machine.”  To be fair, it was technically a ”hurricane machine,” but it was still pretty cool.

So there you go.  25 Random Things.  Coincidentally, there’s absolutely nothing else interesting about me.

-Dylan