Dylan Bolin

I’m a word nerd.  You might say I’m “a Werd.”  Then again, if you said that, people would probably assume that you were saying “word,” and just be confused.

That’s how I know that the New Oxford American Dictionary has recently unveiled their 2009 Word of the Year.  Oxford Dictionary doesn’t reveal the process by which it’s chosen.  The highly-secretive, Mason-esque event occurs behind closed doors, and the results are only known when white smoke is released and two people at a sidewalk cafe request a different table.

Maybe you know the winning word, but if you don’t, let’s play a little game:  I’ll list the word and a definition with 4 of the other nominees and you see if you can guess.  Ready?

“Unfriend”-to remove someone as a ‘friend’ on a social networking site such as Facebook.  I prefer “Unface.”  It implies some real conflict and and the chance of violence.

“Tramp Stamp”– a tattoo on the lower back, usually on a woman.  And trust me, ladies, it only gets sexier when you’re 40.

“Choice Mom”– a person who chooses to be a single mother.  Or chooses to get a Tramp Stamp at 40. 

“Death Panel”-a theoretical body that determines which patients deserve to live, when care is rationed.  I love this idea!  Please see:  “To the Sponsors of the Heath Reform Bill”

“Intexticated”-distracted because texting on a cellphone while driving a vehicle.  Okay, now they’re just making up Sniglets.

And the winner is:                Unfriend

They’ve already begun updating our culture.  Instead of “‘Til Death do us part,” wedding officiants are instructed to say:  “‘Til Life unfriends you.”  In the literary classic Lord of the Flies, Piggy is now “unfriended” by the boulder.  And Ken Burns has been ordered to alter the voice over in his highly-acclaimed P.B.S. series, The Civil War  to include the new word.  From now on, the Civil War is referred to as:  “A Nation Unfriended.”

Sadly, spell check has yet to catch up to this newest trend.

So welcome to the lexicon, “unfriend,” and may we be “unfriends” forever!

-Dylan

The day is fast approaching.  It has taken on more gravitas than the Mayan Doomsday date of 2012.  I am, of course, referring to the switch to digital television.  On June 12th, those of you with analog antennae will be left to wallow in your own outdated filth, not knowing what to think or buy while the rest of us are enjoying According to Jim in all of it’s digital splendor.

Now you may be wondering why all the hub-bub.  Why is it so important that we all switch to digital?  It is best not to question the F.C.C.  They are the benevolent and generous arbiters of all things entertainment, in addition to protecting us from swear words.  All day long they hand out judgements like the fact that it’s okay to say “ass” on network television and on radio, but ”asshole” will get you a hefty fine.  You see, we like asses; when girded in hot pants and gyrating, they’re valuable tools used to sell beer.  However, add “hole,” and you’ve crossed the line into vulgarity. 

It’s these kinds of nuanced decisions that the F.C.C. makes so we don’t have to.  They’ve also decided that, as of June 12th, 2009, all full-power television stations must broadcast their signals digitally.  First, digital signals allow for greater sound and picture clarity.  You’ll also be able to enjoy movies in their original formats and ratios.  No more “pan and scan.”

Second, a digital signal can carry more information.  This means something called multicasting, which is the broadcasting of several signal options within the same signal.  Many people think that switching to digital means automatic High Definition (HD).  Not true.  Trust me, if you want HD, you’re going to have to pay for it and pay handsomely.  However, with multicasting, an HD signal can be bundled with a standard signal on the same bandwidth. 

Third, and probably most importantly, broadcasting in digital frees up much of the valuable broadcast spectrum for other things like advanced wireless services and public safety services.  But let’s be honest; given the choice between Wi-fi, cell phones and public safety services, where do we really think most of that broadcast spectrum is going?

And did you know that there’s yet another digital revolution afoot?  This time, in the field of pregnancy tests.  That’s right.  According to Clearblue® Easy, 1 in 4 women can misread a traditional pregnancy test result.  My immediate reaction to the commercial was:  How is this possible?  I mean, the symbols can’t be any more elaborate than the marshmallows in a box of Lucky Charms, right?  What’s the problem?  But who am I to argue with the the opinion of Clearblue® Easy? 

My solution to the problem would be to let the suspected Baby Daddy take a look-see and act as a secondary test.  I guarantee, with a possible paternity suit on the line, he will be 100% sure of the results; exceeding Clearblue® Easy’s accuracy claim by roughly .1%.  Simply administer the test normally and hand it to the man.  Then, instead of a plus or minus sign or “yes” or “no,” if he disappears, cartoon-style, in a cloud of dust and bobby pins, the result is positive.  Then, the couple can reunite on Maury in 100% digital clarity.

Additionally, Clearblue® Easy has made their pregnancy test DIGITAL!  Ladies!  No more peeing on analog litmus paper!  Now, you can enjoy the comfort and security of urinating on a stick containing tiny diodes and capacitors, and receive your results with digital clarity!  In the future, you’ll be able to pee directly on your converter box and receive your results on your television picture in picture!  D.V.R. it and show it to your friends!

Say, how about a new pregnancy test iPhone ap?  We’ll call it the peePod!

-Dylan