Dylan Bolin

I know that good people get swindled by emails like this all the time, and for that, I’m sorry. But, that being said, I love ‘em. What follows is the exact email, word for misused word, that I just received from “eBay.” For the record, I’m fairly certain that eBay had nothing to do with it. The bold italics are my responses.

Dear Member,

We are sorry to announce you (I’m sorry that I wasn’t there when you “announce” me.) that your acocunt (My WHAT?) has been randomly selected for verification. (Why are you sorry? Is it the “acocunt” thing?) We have sent you an attachment which contains all the necessary steps in order to restore your account access. Download and open it in your browser. (Yeah, I’ll get right on that.) After we have gathered the necessary information, you will regain full access to your account. We are sorry (Again with the sorry. How about being sorry for trying to rip me off?) for any inconvinience (You put the ”I” in “inconvenience”) this may have cause you. (It “may have cause” me great “inconvinience” if I have fell it for.) 

Sincerely,

eBay Customer Service (Spell Check free since 1995)

-Dylan

So, like most of you, in these troubling economic times, I’ve been looking for ways to augment my income, so I decided to take up kidnapping. Granted, it’s a high risk endeavor, but with it comes the promise of high reward.

I found a guy in a suit and wrestled him into the trunk of my car, a 2004 Ford Focus. I had no idea if he was rich or not, but I had planned on finding out after driving him to a secure location.

Imagine my surprise when I got out of the car and discovered this:

Empty!

“How the hell did that happen?” I wondered. And then I noticed the little yellow thing dangling at the top. Upon closer inspection, it illustrated the mystery perfectly.

You win this time, Ford Focus.

-Dylan