Dylan Bolin

So my new health insurance company has been sniffing around lately.  They call themselves “providers,” but I’ve never known a “provider” to be so reluctant to do any actual “providing.”  I think my wife and I are the only actual “providers” by way of our premiums.

Anyway, it seems that they’re searching for any and all pre-existing conditions so they can deny coverage.  You see, your insurance “provider” doesn’t want to pick up the tab for some illness you had in the past that should have been taken care of by another “provider’s” foolhardy generosity.  They’re only interested in new illnesses. 

For instance, say, in the past, you were diagnosed with a sinus infection which you then treated with antibiotics.  Your new insurance provider can call that a pre-existing condition, write a clause into your agreement and refuse to pay for future sinus infections.  

And here’s how great the term “pre-existing” is for the insurance companies:  Everything is pre-existing!  You are a pre-existing condition.  So, in that spirit, I’d like to start my own insurance company.  Here’s my pitch:

We at Immortality Insurance Company realize that your health is important to you.  It’s almost as important to you as your money is to us.  We know that pain hurts and that death is scary and that all you want is peace of mind.  What is peace of mind worth to you and your loved ones?  We think that you should be willing to pay at least $7000 per family member per year for it.  Of course, we can’t cover any “pre-existing conditions” because that would negatively impact our profit margin.  Therefore, any illnesses involving the brain, heart, lungs, muscles, skin, bones, eyes, ears, nose, throat and cells in general will be excluded.  But if you happen to grow a new organ, rest easy knowing that it is fully covered.¹

And, when you call, don’t forget to ask about Immortality Insurance Company’s “Afterlife Insurance.”  Life insurance is designed to take care of your family when your gone, but what about you?  Who will be there to insure that you get into Heaven?  Immortality Insurance Company, that’s who.  For an additional $1000 a year, we’ll guarantee that you’ll get in to Heaven or your money back!²

Immortality Insurance Company:  We’ve got you covered!³

-Dylan

¹ Statement not yet approved by our actuaries.

² We are not responsible for pre-existing sins.

³ Well…you know…sort of.

*Not really.

But I am frustrated by toffee. 

I’m not frustrated by toffee as a concept; I’m frustrated by toffee as candy.  It’s very difficult to eat; almost like a fight.  If you win, you get to swallow the toffee; if you lose, you need a filling replaced.  Now, I’m not talking about taffy.  Taffy is frustrating too, but toffee is the really hard stuff. 

And there’s no great flavor payoff either.  I’m not spitting it out, but it wasn’t worth fighting for. 

I think there should be some guidelines that you need to follow and some criteria that you need to meet to be able to call your product “candy.”  It can come in as many flavors and colors and textures as a bucket of Willy Wonka’s vomit, but it must not actively resist consumption. 

To be called candy, it must dissolve at a recognizable pace, and it must not lodge into a molar and remain there for 5 days like an adequate-tasting suppository of decay.  By these criteria, toffee is no longer candy.  It is something to do, but it is not candy. 

This new decree should also be extended to that insidious substance called “Peanut Brittle.”  Peanut Brittle is anything but.  It is, in fact, far less brittle than human teeth.

-Dylan

If there’s a more uneasy relationship than that shared by art and commerce, I don’t know what it is.  That ill-fated pairing, complete with the requisite persecutors, victims and saviors, is on display for all to see here in Milwaukee.  If you plan on attending, this particular passion play runs indefinitely.

Here’s the play synopsis:  The Skylight Opera Theatre, a perennial powerhouse of the Milwaukee theater scene, is in trouble; their building is crumbling, they’re $400,000 in debt, endowments are failing and, due to a lousy economy, investors are bailing like rats off the H.M.S. Pinafore.  They get together for a company meeting where, despite corporate layoffs on a massive scale all around the country, the Skylight honcho, Eric Dillner says they won’t fire anybody.  But there’s treachery afoot as the axe falls.  Four salaries are cut; one of which is Artistic Director, William Theisen.  While no one says exactly why, to be sure, Bill Thiesen is incredibly ”popular.”  Because the simple cost cutting measure of consolidation of responsibilities and elimination of redundancies is not dramatic or sexy enough, some in the theater community add the cry of “Coup!” to their background conversation of “Cantaloupe, watermelon, rutabaga.”  Threats are made, hands are wrung and impromptu meetings in parks are had.

Here’s what I find interesting:  In all that’s been written and blogged, rarely mentioned are the names of the other three salaries cut.  I suspect it’s because they don’t contain the words “Artistic Director” in their titles.  Because, for the protesters, this issue is not about business; it’s a war against Art itself. 

I should also add that no protester offered any actual money to pay Bill Theisen’s salary, and keep him gainfully employed with Skylight or even suggested a fiscal solution like, say, a bake sale.  No one is suggesting that money be raised to maintain the Skylight’s status quo.  In short, no one is offering a business solution.  What many are offering, however, is a never-ending wellspring of righteous indignation. 

Bill Theisen’s firing would be unremarkable if it had happened at A.O. Smith, Morgan Stanley or McDonald’s.  These same indignant artists would cluck their tongues, shake their heads and say:  “This crazy economy, huh?”  But mess with an Artistic Director, and it’s perceived as a “bad review,” and that they can’t abide. 

But here’s the thing:  There was no reason to hold a bake sale because Bill Theisen was actually offered the opportunity to freelance direct 4 of the 5 shows that he was originally scheduled to direct as Artistic Director.  Then, he was offered his old job back.  He refused on the grounds that it would be too difficult to artistically direct within the current artistic climate (Eric Dillner).

More protests ensued as did firings for insubordination.  Seen as “breach of contract” by Mr. Theisen, he withdrew as freelance director.  In solidarity, several local artists followed Mr. Theisen’s exodus who were then promptly and unceremoniously replaced.

And that’s where we stand.

Now, if you aren’t an “artist,” you may well look at this situation and think to yourself:  “What’s the problem?  They offered the guy his job back, which they sure as hell aren’t doing at G.M.  And then he quit?!  WTF?!”  If that’s you’re overall impression, then clearly you don’t understand art.

Art is very fragile.  Very few people have the knowledge, expertise and respect to handle it properly.  Besides, you can’t just let Art run around UN-directed; someone could get hurt or, worse yet, Art could fall into the wrong hands.  Thankfully, there are people out there with the free time and wherewithal to monitor this for you.   

Now, you may be wondering why I built this particular soapbox and from where my opinions come.  While I have performed on a couple of Milwaukee’s better-known stages, the work that I’m most proud of occurred back in the day by way of “zero sum” productions at bars, coffee houses and open-air spaces with a group called Inertia Ensemble.  Plays like Savage in Limbo and Mark Anderson’s The Urge.

(By the way, upstart theater company Youngblood Theatre is mounting Savage in Limbo at Landmark Lanes here in Milwaukee until July 29th.  I trust they cast a better “Tony” than I ever was.  Best of luck to your company, Youngblood.)

I’m not implying that we were better than more established theaters, but neither should it be assumed that, without a Board of Directors and a business model, that we weren’t creating “Art.”  Bidden or unbidden, with or without the intermediary of an Artistic Director, Art was present.  Besides, Art should be defined by the observers, not the players, right?  The creators are in charge of intention; the patrons are in charge of “Art.”

Sure, it’s common consensus that business has no business telling the artist what to create.  But when you cash that paycheck, you’re under commission, and that alters the relationship.  From the standpoint of Art, I commend Bill Theisen and the artists that accompanied him for acting as they did.  From a business standpoint, I commend the Skylight Board and management for trying to keep the organization solvent.

On to Act VIII.

-Dylan

Hello Youths,

(turn His chair around backwards so they [The Youths] know that He’s being casual)

Let me first say that I sympathize with you.  We grown-ups have been jerks.  We’ve left you with a smoldering, burned-out husk of a planet, an economy that ensures that you’ll forever be tax slaves to our generation and television shows like America’s Got Talent.  Back in our day, we called it The Gong Show.

Oh, and if you could learn some Chinese…Cantonese…Mandarin…any will do, it would probably be a good idea.  You’ll be working primarily for them.  Take that for what it’s worth.  Just a little wisdom from an adult.

But I still don’t understand why you chose to vent your frustration on my Recycling Bin.  It’s the one gesture that my generation is willing to make.

And do you think it’s easy being an old person these days?  I can’t even yell things at you any more like:  “Why don’t you get a job?!” because I’m probably applying for the same job.  And not in the cool way like Kevin Spacey in American Beauty.  We really need it now.

Entre nous, I thought this particular choice of civil disobediance lacked a certain Je ne sais quoi.  I simply didn’t symapathize with the protagonist.  At no point, when I was picking up the beer bottles did I think:  “My Recycling Bin was the first leg of this hero’s journey!”  In short, it lacked Zazz.

You are the people that are supposed to get us out of this mess!  You are the “future!”  We need something more creative!  There’s a reason we had you!  There’s a reason you’ve been had!

You can do better,

Dylan

I want my own airline. 

People are very upset about the added charges to airline flights.  For instance, some airlines charge an extra $25 to bring a second piece of luggage, which I think is a great idea.  If you can’t fit what you need into one bag then you’re not vacationing, you’re relocating. 

And did you know that every time the price of oil goes up $1 a barrel, it costs the airline industry $1 billion?  Do you have any idea how much it costs to keep your ass at 30,000 feet all the way to Phoenix?  And do you realize what a miracle it is that you can sit in a seat for just the time it takes to watch Deck the Halls with Danny Devito and Matthew Broderick and then find yourself in a completely different climate? 

Do you think people would complain so much if the motto of the airline wasn’t “We love to fly and it shows,” or “Fly the friendly skies,” or “Best care in the air,” but rather was more like this:  “Air Dylan: This here metal cigar tube is going to attempt to defy several laws of common sense if not the laws of physics, and somehow make it to Phoenix.  You want in?”  And that will be the slogan of my new airline. 

We will have one airplane in the fleet, and a “No Frills” ticket to go wherever it is going will only cost $50, and that get’s you into the fuselage.  Afterwards, every additional “frill” will cost something, and the value of that something will be determined by a pre-flight auction.  In terms of seating, you will be allowed to bid on two kitchen chairs, four boat cushions and the pilot, Jimmy’s lap.  In the interest of full disclosure, legally Jimmy has to register with every community he moves into, so…you know…bid accordingly.

-Dylan

News from the Pentagon:  Pentagon health experts are urging Defense Secretary Robert Gates to ban tobacco use by U.S. Troops.  According to studies, the heaviest smokers are soldiers and Marines that have done most of the fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan.  Why?  Well, studies also show that fire fights while wearing piecemeal armor can be “stressful.”

It seems the Pentagon is little miffed by their estimates that smoking costs them $846 million in medical care, and, I’m sure you’ll agree, nothing says “fiscal responsibility” like the Defense Department.  Besides, if past spending habits of the Defense Department are any indication, $846 million could buy the military an air compressor and a wrench and socket set.  But I guess that won’t happen because certain selfish soldiers and Marines need their cigarettes. 

And it’s not just health care costs; the Pentagon is also concerned about ”lost productivity.”  If these soldiers and Marines continue to lose productivity like this, they might just earn themselves a write-up and a stern finger wagging from H.R.

Aren’t the soldiers thinking about what the smoke is doing to the air?  Why should innocent shrapnel and bullets have to pass through some inconsiderate soldier’s or Marine’s second-hand smoke?

I say order the ban and do it now!  In terms of enforcing the ban, I recommend the Pentagon send one of their bean-counting cubicle jockeys over to Kandahar to lay down the law.

And while we’re focusing on “Healthy Combat,” maybe we should force the Troops to keep an eye on their LDL cholesterol levels, too.

-Dylan

Folks, I’m no tree hugger; I prefer to go directly to second base, but I think it’s time for all of us to consider creating our own energy.  In a recent article in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, WE Energies is proposing a 7% rate increase for 2010.  That’s up from a previously projected 4.9%.  Why?

WE Energies says that, due to the poor economy, sales of electricity are slowing more than they thought.  “Sales of electricity.”  They make electricity sound like a cup of beer at a ball game.  You see, this rate increase is necessary because of your selfishness. 

If you’re anything like me, from a very young age, you were taught to conserve electricity.  Turn of the television, lights and other appliances when you weren’t in the room.  Today, we know that that was an environmentally-responsible thing to do, but back then, all Dad cared about was saving money on the electric bill.  And in our current economic situation, you might think that the electric bill is a good place to shave a few bucks off the monthly budget.  So maybe you’ve switched to compact fluorescent bulbs and Energy-Star rated appliances. 

Way to go, Jerk. 

By not willingly giving the Electric Company its fair share of your severance package, you’ve left them no choice but to take it by force.

Now, for some, the solution is to “get off the grid” by severing ties with the Electric Company completely, and creating their own energy by way of wind and solar.  Your local power company will tell you that this is preposterous in the same way that your insurance agent will tell you that you need a $500,000 life insurance policy or else your widow will have to turn to prostitution to pay for your funeral.

However, I don’t think wind and solar is preposterous in the least.  After all, in third grade, I ran a digital clock with some copper wire and a potato.  But you certainly shouldn’t get off the grid completely.  You see, in addition to creating energy for your own use, you can then sell whatever is left over to the Electric Company.  If you sever ties with them, you have no choice but to get rid of the excess electricity by, I don’t know, re-animating corpses or something.

Besides, how sweet would it be to send this letter to your Electric Company:

“Dear Electric Company,

As a valued customer, we appreciate your business.  In fact, we appreciate it so much that we would like more of it.  For this reason, for the next fiscal year, we will be raising the rates that we charge for our electrical service by 7%.

We realize that these are difficult times, but we are beholden to our stockholders.  (My son, Jaden, wants a Wii).

Warmest regards,

Your Electricity Supplier”

-Dylan