I’m on something of an “exotic foods” kick these days, so I thought I would share this week’s menu with you on the off chance you wanted to join me on my culinary adventure.

Friday

Breakfast: Alligator egg omelet, shamed wheat muffin, and Bishop Desmond Juice Juice.

Lunch: Stumped otter ribs in a crimson and clover reduction, emotionally-abused potato wedges, and Bananas Foster Brooks.

Dinner: Geriatric squid with cockatiel sauce, lamb embryo in a PETA pocket, and pineapple tetrahedrons.

Saturday

Breakfast: Dryer lint smoothie.

Lunch: Pangaea chicken (separated), shitake owl pellets, and 1500 thread count Egyptian sheet cake.

Dinner: Jus au Jus, critically-injured possum cutlets over origami noodles, a handful of Uncle Jerod’s mystery chips.

Sunday

Breakfast: Goatmeal.

Lunch: Curried bean pudding, julienned beaver tail, and deep-fried cooking spray.

Dinner: Aching mussels, stew of Freudian vegetables with banal crackers, and Erma Bombeck lemon pop-overs.

Monday

Breakfast: Immigrant toast, fancy dandies, sniffle crisp, and mink squeezings.

Lunch: Thrice-baked squash balls, tossed compost compote, and ibex jerky.

Dinner: Prohibitive fondue, poached gull over Girls Gone Wild rice, glazed hamster fingers, and Ginger oleo ice cream.

Tuesday

Breakfast: Irony-filled crepes and tawny kitten butter.

Lunch: Stunned badger sandwiches, crinkle-cut gluten sticks, and Caribbean dream water.

Dinner: Grateful Nation sampler platter, cornmeal-battered understated lake trout, jealous berry sorbet, and canned pumpkin swirled with Hersey squirts.

Wednesday

Breakfast: Exhausted rice with a maple cramped glaze and forbidden fruit juice.

Lunch: Arby’s

Dinner: Puffed stem cells, sink trap bouillabaisse, Giving Tree mixed greens, and angelfish food cake.

Thursday

Breakfast: Gothic waffles, petulant cinnamon coffee, and bonobo bacon.

Lunch: Cajun pasties, Amish friendship gravy, and half-hearted empanadas.

Dinner: A pinch of basil between the cheek and gum, orphaned veal, ficus droppings with a Dr. Pepper vinaigrette, and a green tea I.V. drip.

Bon appetite!

-Dylan