Good morning. And if you’re anything like me and your morning has been postponed to early afternoon, you, like me, probably had a pretty good Victoria Day.
Obviously, we here in America like to co-opt the national celebrations of other countries. It’s our way of saying to our international colleagues that, if only for a moment, we coexist in solidarity…if there’s drinking. We feel your pain/share your joy…and we plan on taking a personal day from work tomorrow. Your independence, gained through the blood of your patriots…hang on. Check out the Tank Top Turkeys on that brunette! Ima get me some digits! Holla!
We Americans love your drinking holidays. Ireland has St. Patrick’s Day. Mexico has Cinco de Mayo. Israel has Purim.
But what ah-boot our neighbors to the North? The country that the United States wears like an adorable toque? The country that invented Poutine, a semi-edible food stuff consisting of French fries, cheese curds and brown “gravy.”
Clearly, it has been pre-digested for your convenience. Seriously. Eat an order of Poutine, and with every bite you can actually feel your body take a baby step towards death.
Turns out, Canada has a little something called Victoria Day. It might be one of those lightly-shaded holidays, printed in italics on your wall calendar to make it look more exotic. You’ve probably written: “JEREMY SOCCER PRACTICE 3:30” over it, so maybe you didn’t even notice.
The kids (les enfants) call Victoria Day “May Two-Four,” not only because it falls roughly on May 24th every year, but because “Two-Four” is Canadian slang for a case of beer, which it is customary for every Canadian citizen to drink on Victoria Day.
Anyway, I got up before sunrise and flew my Royal Union flag. I’m not a Canadian government building or anything, but I find that flying the flag gives me something to do while I drink my first beer.
Then I sang “Happy Birthday” to the reigning Canadian monarch, Queen Elizabeth II, and poured some Molson out for monarchs gone by.
I loaded up my cooler and headed out for the Victoria Day parade, but, believe it or not, Victoria Day hasn’t caught on here in the States, and the parades are hard to come by. So, I dragged my cooler down to the freeway. It was like a really fast parade where, instead of candy, the floats threw cigarette butts.
Later that night it was fireworks time. Not too many fireworks stores open, so I just filled my empties with rags and lawnmower gasoline. The party really got started when the S.W.A.T. team showed up.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go throw up, or, as the Canadians call it: “Make Poutine.” In closing, here’s an incomplete list of Canadian actors and musicians who I’m sure feel as bad as I do today:
Alan Thicke, Alex Trebeck (“Jeopardy”), Brendan Fraser, Bret Hart (wrestler), Carrie-Anne Moss, Christopher Plummer, Dan Akroyd, Donald Sutherland, Doug Henning (magician), Eugene Levy, Howie Mandel, Ivan Reitman (Director), James Cameron (Director), James Doohan, Jason Priestley, Jennifer Tilly, Jim Carey, John Candy, Keanu Reeves, Keifer Sutherland, Leslie Nielsen, Lorne Greene, Lorne Michaels (creator/producer of “Saturday Night Live”), Margot Kidder, Martin Short, Matthew Perry, Michael J. Fox, Mike Myers, Monty Hall (“Let’s Make a Deal”), Neve Campbell, Norm MacDonald, Norman Jewison, Pamela Anderson, Peter Jennings, Phil Hartman, Raymond Burr, Rick Moranis, Tommy Chong (of Cheech and Chong), Vic Drover, William Shatner, Alanis Morisette, Anne Murray, Bachman Turner Overdrive, Barenaked Ladies, Bryan Adams, Corey Hart, Cowboy Junkies, Crash Test Dummies, Celine Dion, Gordon Lightfoot, Guy Lombardo, Holly Cole, Jann Arden, Joni Mitchell, K. D. Lang, Kim Mitchell, Leonard Cohen, Neil Young, Oscar Peterson, Paul Anka, Robbie Robertson, Rush, Sarah McLachlan, Shania Twain, Steppenwolf, and The Guess Who.