December 23rd, 2012 (Apocalypse+2)
They did it; the bastards they finally did it. First, they crippled the internet with multiple DoS attacks. The electrical grid soon followed. Then, they jammed the satellites with sonar. They divided us, and then they conquered. I don’t know how many are left. The Dolphins were merciless. God only knows how long they’d been planning their take-over.
December 25th, 2012 (Apocalypse+4)
Merry Christmas! I know I am at great risk for mentioning Christmas, having been outlawed by the Liberals (who were surely propped up by our new Dolphin Overlords), but if I don’t say “Merry Christmas,” then the Liberals and Dolphins have won.
I’m very hungry. You’d be surprised how quickly one can go through a case of Pepperoni Combos. Thank God for the foresight to purchase several gold coins from goldline.com; I am the richest man in the land. I will now venture forth from my Safe Room and purchase all that I desire.
December 26th, 2012 (Apocalypse+5)
W.T.F.!? Came across a farm with several chickens and offered to purchase the farm. The farmer was incredulous.
“What the hell do I want with a bunch of gold coins?” he said.
“I don’t care where they’re from. What am I supposed to do with them?”
“But…they’re coins. Gold. From goldline.com,” I said. “They’re worth so much. You have to take them.”
“What are they worth? Can’t eat ‘em. Can’t kill Dolphins with ‘em. Well, I suppose I could plug their blowholes with ‘em, but I’d be dead before I got close enough, so… I said NO! Now get off my property before I shoot you.”
What do I do now?
December 27th, 2012 (Apocalypse+6)
Dolphins have entered my home. I’m watching them on the closed circuit television in my Safe Room. They’re riding Segways, and have attached prosthetic hands to their flippers. I’m going to try to bribe them. If they’re as intelligent as everybody says, they won’t be able to resist gold from goldline.com.
Dolphins! I surrender! I’m unarmed! But look; I have a chest full of gold coins from goldline.com. What do you mean “Eh-eh?” It’s gold for Christ’s Sake! Hold on a second. Hey, I’m sorry. Please don’t. Why won’t I stop writing and try to escape. Nooooo!