I have a humble request: If you refer to yourself as a Foodie, please stop.
The problem’s not with you; it’s me. I acknowledge that you like food. It is your chosen method of nutritional intake, and you want it to taste good.
I don’t. I don’t like food. I don’t like the fact that I need it, and I don’t like the time it takes out of my day. I’ve never told anyone this before, but I feel so strongly about it that I’ve been using a method that allows my body to absorb nutrients without the need to take food into my mouth. It’s called a Nutritional Suppository.
If you’re not familiar, yes, it goes exactly where you think it does. That tissue is actually very…absorptive, I guess is the word. The suppository is made of a slow-dissolving, time-release glycerin and wax mixture. I get all of my calories, vitamins and minerals and I never eat.
So you see, it’s me; not you.
Listen, I’ll compromise. You can keep calling yourself a “foodie,” but give props to the rest of the digestive system, too. Go all the way with it, and add the word “poopie.”
A sample statement might read: “You really should only use grass-fed beef. And you’re wasting your time buying anything other than organic peppers. I should know, I’m a bit of a foodie/poopie.”
Refined taste in, refined waste out.