I have a humble request:  If you refer to yourself as a Foodie, please stop. 

The problem’s not with you; it’s me.  I acknowledge that you like food.  It is your chosen method of nutritional intake, and you want it to taste good.

I don’t.  I don’t like food.  I don’t like the fact that I need it, and I don’t like the time it takes out of my day.  I’ve never told anyone this before, but I feel so strongly about it that I’ve been using a method that allows my body to absorb nutrients without the need to take food into my mouth.  It’s called a Nutritional Suppository.

If you’re not familiar, yes, it goes exactly where you think it does.  That tissue is actually very…absorptive, I guess is the word.  The suppository is made of a slow-dissolving, time-release glycerin and wax mixture.  I get all of my calories, vitamins and minerals and I never eat.

So you see, it’s me; not you.

Listen, I’ll compromise.  You can keep calling yourself a “foodie,” but give props to the rest of the digestive system, too.  Go all the way with it, and add the word “poopie.” 

A sample statement might read:  “You really should only use grass-fed beef.  And you’re wasting your time buying anything other than organic peppers.  I should know, I’m a bit of a foodie/poopie.”

Refined taste in, refined waste out.

-Dylan