My Living Will

Recently, there’s been a lot of discussion about End of Life decisions.  Some believe a living will is a responsible, empowering thing to do, while others believe that making End of Life decisions will allow a government Death Squad to barge in and start harvesting organs.

I believe that, after I die, I will no longer care about such things, so I should probably say something while I’m alive and do care.  So..

The Last Will and Testament of Dylan Bolin

I, Dylan Bolin, of sound mind and slightly doughier body than I’d like, do hereby bequeath all of my worldly possessions to be returned to their original owners.

If I should die, and my heart should stop beating, resuscitate ONLY if you perform a heart transplant where the doner was a serial killer, and, as a result of having his heart in my body, I have the supernatural power to solve Cold Cases, but I also exhibit a new-found urge to kill, which I attempt to stifle with the love of a woman.  I’m just saying, I think this could be a hit series on Showtime.

As far as the disposal of my earthly remains is concerned, I have three (3) requests, of which the executor of this will should choose one (1):

    A.  Fill my pockets with candy and throw my body off a building of at least twenty (20) stories.  It will be spectacular, and some people will get candy.

    B.  I would like to be stuffed and mounted.  Perhaps the fingers on one hand could be angled such that they could support a beer can, while the other hand could serve as a pool cue holder.  I would like the look on my face to be friendly but, if possible, I’d like my eyes to appear to follow others as they move around the room.

     C.  I would like to be made into a rug so I may always enjoy a happy hearth with a roaring fire.  And speaking of roaring, I’d like my face to look ferocious; like I was conquered by the owner of the room.



There are 4 comments

  1. As an attorney, I assure you, this is not a binding will, but methinks your friends will have a lot of fun at your funeral, Dylan!

  2. Angie Fitz wrote


  3. Dylan,always been a fan,but now will put an antic disposition on’t and try 2 keep up with your brilliant writing. Having recently gone thru the death of my dad (on Father’s Day, the ironic bastard) and dealt with wills let me say that the laughter you have allowed to enter the empty hallways of my heart brings a healing presence and closure to the longest run-on sentence I’ve written in the last 10 minutes.
    Do I get candy now?
    Peace in your time,

  4. dave theune wrote

    Brilliant, Dylan. Keep writing.