I Would Like to Be a Life Coach

I know the best way to kill a dream is to share it with others. 

Recently, I expressed a desire to become a State Fair pitch man and was publicly mocked; shamed from greatness.  It was like that episode of Happy Days where Richie wanted to be a dancer and all the guys at Arthur’s laughed at him so he turned to Heroin but was cured when the Fonz slammed his face into the jukebox.  The episode was the television directorial debut of Robert Altman, but it never aired, so I’m not surprised you didn’t see it.  It’s an Easter Egg on the DVD.

My point is that I know a lot about Life.  For instance, Life doesn’t care about you.  That may sound bad, but it’s really not.  Sure, it doesn’t care whether you succeed or not before you die, but it also isn’t out to get you.  It’s perfectly neutral.  Like the way that baseball doesn’t care who wins or loses.  It’s baseball.  Baseball didn’t wake up this morning, eat a piece of toast and decide that, for instance, the Milwaukee Brewers should start choking.  No, baseball doesn’t care…and it doesn’t like toast.

Now, God is a different story.  God has a preference; God judges.  So if you’re trying to please God, you should choose your God wisely and consult one of His representatives for instructions. 

I’m talking about coaching Life. 

I’ve found that the first step on the road to a happy life is being born.  This is crucial.  After that, you’re kind of on your own until the End. 

So, I guess I really want to become a Death Coach.  Death is kind of our World Series, isn’t it?  The BIG Game!  What coach doesn’t prepare his team for the Big Game?

That will be my thing:  I’m a Life Coach, but I work from the other direction (Death), and I coach under the assumption that the opponent (Life) doesn’t care one way or the other.  Like coaching a boxer to beat a random person on the street who doesn’t know that they’re in a fight.

So, let me help you as you march towards Death!  Let me help you walk up to Life and sucker punch it!  Initially, I will work pro bono, so drop me a line with a Death question, and I’ll coach you with a response.

-Dylan, Certified Death Coach

There is one comment

  1. What a lucky break! You’re a certified death coach and I’ve been certified to be put to death. I’m not exactly marching toward death; they’ve got me strapped down on a gurney in the Terre Haute Federal Correctional Complex and they’re about to administer a fatal injection. My last request was to read your latest blog entry. Talk about great timing! You can imagine how thrilled I was to read about your latest career move, especially since the comedy thing obviously still needs some tweaking. It was such a relief to read your inspiring words. You’re certainly bound for success now. I’ve already achieved the first step to a happy life when I was born, right? Anybody can do that, isn’t that what you said, Coach? But what I’m gonna do is something special and it’s really gonna make me happy. I was feeling sorry for myself and thinking about how I had really messed up my life, but I had it all wrong. I am a great success. I have beat life. I can’t really think of a death question, Coach, except maybe what’s next after I win for the first time ever in my life? I can feel some really bad stuff starting to go through my veins right now. I’m not sure how long I’ve got to read your response, so I’m submitting this rather hurriedly and hoping for a damn quick answer.