I know the best way to kill a dream is to share it with others.
Recently, I expressed a desire to become a State Fair pitch man and was publicly mocked; shamed from greatness. It was like that episode of Happy Days where Richie wanted to be a dancer and all the guys at Arthur’s laughed at him so he turned to Heroin but was cured when the Fonz slammed his face into the jukebox. The episode was the television directorial debut of Robert Altman, but it never aired, so I’m not surprised you didn’t see it. It’s an Easter Egg on the DVD.
My point is that I know a lot about Life. For instance, Life doesn’t care about you. That may sound bad, but it’s really not. Sure, it doesn’t care whether you succeed or not before you die, but it also isn’t out to get you. It’s perfectly neutral. Like the way that baseball doesn’t care who wins or loses. It’s baseball. Baseball didn’t wake up this morning, eat a piece of toast and decide that, for instance, the Milwaukee Brewers should start choking. No, baseball doesn’t care…and it doesn’t like toast.
Now, God is a different story. God has a preference; God judges. So if you’re trying to please God, you should choose your God wisely and consult one of His representatives for instructions.
I’m talking about coaching Life.
I’ve found that the first step on the road to a happy life is being born. This is crucial. After that, you’re kind of on your own until the End.
So, I guess I really want to become a Death Coach. Death is kind of our World Series, isn’t it? The BIG Game! What coach doesn’t prepare his team for the Big Game?
That will be my thing: I’m a Life Coach, but I work from the other direction (Death), and I coach under the assumption that the opponent (Life) doesn’t care one way or the other. Like coaching a boxer to beat a random person on the street who doesn’t know that they’re in a fight.
So, let me help you as you march towards Death! Let me help you walk up to Life and sucker punch it! Initially, I will work pro bono, so drop me a line with a Death question, and I’ll coach you with a response.
-Dylan, Certified Death Coach