Dear Creditreport.com Guy

First of all, let me say Thank You for your music.  Your clamoring ditties are truly a breath of fresh air on an otherwise desolate musical landscape.  And Thank You for having the courage to share your personal story.  First, you were forced to work as a waiter, then, you and your girlfriend couldn’t get a loan and had to live in her parents’ basement and, to top it all off, you were denied the right to own a cell phone.  I hope these heartfelt, lyrical works were as much catharsis for you as they are for me. 

In return for my appreciation, I’m writing this letter because I think you deserve to know the truth:  You have bad credit.  Furthermore, it would seem that creditreport.com cannot change that.  Check all you want, and encourage the listener to check, but the fact is that you simply must do something in addition.  You seem to be in a downward spiral, and you’re pinning all of the responsibility on creditreport.com.

As the name implies, creditreport.com merely reports your credit.  If you’d like to improve your situation, maybe you should visit creditimprove.com or something.  Maybe start by paying your bills on time.    

But what did you expect; you’re in a band.  And shouldn’t that be good enough?  Commit to your path, sir, and give yourself over to the craft.  Sleep ’til noon, drink all you can and have lots of anonymous sex with people of similar credit ratings.  “Know Thyself,” man.  Do you think Jimi Hendrix gave a damn about his credit report when he choked on his own vomit?

It may not seem like it, but I say these things out of love.

-Dylan

P.S.  Based on the success of your commercial, I look forward to your UPN sit-com that is no doubt in the works as we speak.

There are 3 comments

  1. You’re a little hard on the lad, methinks. It’s not easy to think clearly when you’re dizzy with hunger, so I’m not sure that creditreport.com guy will process your advice in this missive. Doing drugs and then probably dumpster-diving between auditions is a difficult career path, so maybe the encouragement about working on one’s craft is a little Pollyanish. Besides, I think it’s kinda funny when someone’s working in a restaurant dressed like a pirate and you can hear them and their stomach say, “arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.” Please don’t ruin this little bit of added entertainment for us diners.

  2. Dylan, I know he lip syncs

  3. dave theune wrote

    I’m shaking my head slowly in agreement.