So my new health insurance company has been sniffing around lately. They call themselves “providers,” but I’ve never known a “provider” to be so reluctant to do any actual “providing.” I think my wife and I are the only actual “providers” by way of our premiums.
Anyway, it seems that they’re searching for any and all pre-existing conditions so they can deny coverage. You see, your insurance “provider” doesn’t want to pick up the tab for some illness you had in the past that should have been taken care of by another “provider’s” foolhardy generosity. They’re only interested in new illnesses.
For instance, say, in the past, you were diagnosed with a sinus infection which you then treated with antibiotics. Your new insurance provider can call that a pre-existing condition, write a clause into your agreement and refuse to pay for future sinus infections.
And here’s how great the term “pre-existing” is for the insurance companies: Everything is pre-existing! You are a pre-existing condition. So, in that spirit, I’d like to start my own insurance company. Here’s my pitch:
We at Immortality Insurance Company realize that your health is important to you. It’s almost as important to you as your money is to us. We know that pain hurts and that death is scary and that all you want is peace of mind. What is peace of mind worth to you and your loved ones? We think that you should be willing to pay at least $7000 per family member per year for it. Of course, we can’t cover any “pre-existing conditions” because that would negatively impact our profit margin. Therefore, any illnesses involving the brain, heart, lungs, muscles, skin, bones, eyes, ears, nose, throat and cells in general will be excluded. But if you happen to grow a new organ, rest easy knowing that it is fully covered.¹
And, when you call, don’t forget to ask about Immortality Insurance Company’s “Afterlife Insurance.” Life insurance is designed to take care of your family when your gone, but what about you? Who will be there to insure that you get into Heaven? Immortality Insurance Company, that’s who. For an additional $1000 a year, we’ll guarantee that you’ll get in to Heaven or your money back!²
Immortality Insurance Company: We’ve got you covered!³
¹ Statement not yet approved by our actuaries.
² We are not responsible for pre-existing sins.
³ Well…you know…sort of.