Toffee Kills More People Than Smoking*

*Not really.

But I am frustrated by toffee. 

I’m not frustrated by toffee as a concept; I’m frustrated by toffee as candy.  It’s very difficult to eat; almost like a fight.  If you win, you get to swallow the toffee; if you lose, you need a filling replaced.  Now, I’m not talking about taffy.  Taffy is frustrating too, but toffee is the really hard stuff. 

And there’s no great flavor payoff either.  I’m not spitting it out, but it wasn’t worth fighting for. 

I think there should be some guidelines that you need to follow and some criteria that you need to meet to be able to call your product “candy.”  It can come in as many flavors and colors and textures as a bucket of Willy Wonka’s vomit, but it must not actively resist consumption. 

To be called candy, it must dissolve at a recognizable pace, and it must not lodge into a molar and remain there for 5 days like an adequate-tasting suppository of decay.  By these criteria, toffee is no longer candy.  It is something to do, but it is not candy. 

This new decree should also be extended to that insidious substance called “Peanut Brittle.”  Peanut Brittle is anything but.  It is, in fact, far less brittle than human teeth.

-Dylan

There are 3 comments

  1. So true. What are your thoughts on Jawbreakers?

  2. Are you saying you don’t like Slo-Pokes?

  3. Amy (your wife) wrote

    I can just see you struggling with taffy or toffee and becoming so frustrated that you give up all together on chewing — instead tormenting the candy by leaving it to melt sugar crystal by sugar crystal in your mouth — no where to go…but down the old esaphagus (sp?) Wah-ha ha.

    Can you tell I’m board of study Muni Debt…