I want my own airline.
People are very upset about the added charges to airline flights. For instance, some airlines charge an extra $25 to bring a second piece of luggage, which I think is a great idea. If you can’t fit what you need into one bag then you’re not vacationing, you’re relocating.
And did you know that every time the price of oil goes up $1 a barrel, it costs the airline industry $1 billion? Do you have any idea how much it costs to keep your ass at 30,000 feet all the way to Phoenix? And do you realize what a miracle it is that you can sit in a seat for just the time it takes to watch Deck the Halls with Danny Devito and Matthew Broderick and then find yourself in a completely different climate?
Do you think people would complain so much if the motto of the airline wasn’t “We love to fly and it shows,” or “Fly the friendly skies,” or “Best care in the air,” but rather was more like this: “Air Dylan: This here metal cigar tube is going to attempt to defy several laws of common sense if not the laws of physics, and somehow make it to Phoenix. You want in?” And that will be the slogan of my new airline.
We will have one airplane in the fleet, and a “No Frills” ticket to go wherever it is going will only cost $50, and that get’s you into the fuselage. Afterwards, every additional “frill” will cost something, and the value of that something will be determined by a pre-flight auction. In terms of seating, you will be allowed to bid on two kitchen chairs, four boat cushions and the pilot, Jimmy’s lap. In the interest of full disclosure, legally Jimmy has to register with every community he moves into, so…you know…bid accordingly.