A Humble Request

I have a humble request of my state lottery:  Please stop making scratch-off tickets so complicated.

It’s not entertaining.  I am rarely, if ever, delighted by the latest “game.”  And I don’t want them to be entertaining.  I’ve never bought a lottery ticket for entertainment purposes.  For instance, I never thought of saying to a date:  “What do you say we take a carriage ride, have some dinner and then maybe some lottery tickets.”

have purchased lottery tickets because I was very broke, and if 1 dollar had a 1 in 146,107,962 chance of changing that, I was willing to take those odds.

I’ll still grab one once in a while, but I don’t understand them.  I like crossword puzzles, but your crossword lottery ticket just confuses me. 

And please don’t put something on a SCRATCH OFF lottery ticket that I’m NOT supposed to SCRATCH OFF.  Don’t ask me to read the thing like a form at the D.M.V.  And if I did win the Grand Prize, and you didn’t give it to me because I happened to scratch off that little area in the corner…well…I would have to kill you.  Sorry.  And I doubt they’d find a jury that would convict me.

And don’t tell me that I can’t scratch it off at your counter.  In my Rags to Riches Fantasy, I’ve got a lot riding on this, so you and everybody behind me CAN JUST WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!

Look, I just want to know if I’ve won.  That’s all.  In fact, here’s what we’ll do, I’ll give you a dollar, you just say:  “Sorry,” and I’ll be on my way.  We don’t even have to do that hopeless, awkward pointing like I’m trying to pick out a cruller from the bakery counter.  AND, I don’t have to keep the gentlemen behind me waiting.  He can get is 2 Mountain Dew’s, and 3 packs of Basics, and he can go about his day in a more timely fashion, too.

Actually, I’m going to do that; I’m going to open a store which ONLY sells lottery tickets.  Better yet, I’ll sell my OWN lottery tickets.  I’ll just tear some paper into 1000 scraps.  Then I’ll write “Yes” on one of them.  I’ll sell them for $1 a piece.  Each morning, wearing just a bathrobe, I’ll open the store and shuffle the scraps.  When a person comes into my store and gives me $1, I’ll pick up a scrap.  If it’s blank, I’ll say:  “No,” if it says “Yes,” they win the grand prize of $500.

Even if the winning scrap gets sold right away, I’ll still keep selling the blank ones until all 1000 are sold.  And any given person can buy as many as they want.  Heck, I can close up shop earlier and, by my math, that still makes a cool $500 daily profit.

I’m going to go buy a storefront right now!  I’m sure that there’s absoloutely nothing ethically or legally wrong with this plan!


There are 2 comments

  1. Dear Minnesota State Lottery

    Please don’t listen to Dylan, he is talking to the Wisconsin State Lottery. Please continue to make your games as complicated as possible. Also more cat-themed games please.


  2. Shannon wrote

    This is super hilarious. Cause it’s true! I’ve wasted numerous minutes trying to figure out what exactly to scratch off so that I don’t accidentally “overscratch” or something that would void the ticket. I have one right in front of me and I can’t figure out if I have won $1 or $2. I should mention that I’m blonde though, so maybe that has something to do with it. Either way, if they were less complicated (and yes, possibly more cat oriented) I think it would be a great improvement.