Swine Flu Redux

WARNING:  Before reading this Blog, please rub Purell in your eyes to prevent infection.

You’ve likely heard of Monkey Pox, you’ve certainly heard of Bird Flu, but now, the Granddaddy of all animal-borne illnesses is back, and in the words of prophet, poet and Antiperspirant-Chunks-In-The-Armpit-Hair-Model L.L. Cool J:  “Deepest, bluest, my head is like a shark’s fin.”  Wait a second, that’s not it.  “Momma said knock you out.”  Wait, here it is:  “Don’t call it a comeback.  I’ve been here for years!”

Lots and lots of years in fact.  That’s right, Swine Flu is back, more resistant than ever and now our televisions and the Internet are choked with pictures of people in masks like they’re on their way to an E.R. Finale Party.

Many of you currently surfing around on the World Wide InterTubes are too young to remember the first outbreak of Swine Flu back in the 70’s.  Gerald Ford was president at the time and, upon hearing of the disease, in true Ford fashion, lurched into action, and the U.S. Government managed to vaccinate roughly 6 people.  While they took credit for preventing a pandemic outbreak, I think the disease just got bored and went away.

But the Swine Flu goes back even further.  Perhaps you’ve read about the “Spanish” flu pandemic of 1918.  It infected over one third of the world’s population, forcing them to eat Tapas before taking a three-hour nap.  The most notable symptoms of the “Spanish” flu were aches, coughing and World War I.

Now, while this current strain shares some similarities with earlier strains, for the most part, it’s brand new.  It reportedly originated in Mexico, and was kind enough to wait until after Spring Break to rear its ugly, helical head.  There’s no way it could have competed with the copious amounts of Corona and Chlamydia anyway.

It spreads from pigs to humans which is how it got its name.  It’s a tried and true naming system just like “Rockin’ Pneumonia,” “Boogie-Woogie Flu” and “Fever for the flavor of a Pringles.”  If untreated, all of the afore-mentioned aflictions could worsen into “A Bad Case of Lovin’ You.”

What can you do to avoid this latest strain of Swine Flu?  The best prevention is to watch all 7 hours of your daily, local news.  They will protect you by displaying a grabber headline involving the worst-case scenario followed by a question mark, like this:  “The Latest Outbreak of Swine Flu:  Will it Cause Your Organs to Liquefy and Painfully Ooze From Every Orifice While Your Children Weep At Your Bedside?”

If you must go out into society which is teeming with potential carriers, be vigilant.  Paranoia is good for the immune system.  Experts recommend coughing into tissues then immediately discarding them and, of course, washing your hands constantly. 

If you ask me, (and you didn’t) I say let’s be pro-active.  If you witness another person coughing, clearing their throat or even just exhaling, it’s important that you quarantine them and burn the body.  They will resist, but that’s the Swine Flu talking.  Then, make sure you wash your hands.

People, the only way we’re going to get through this is to be afraid that we won’t.  Join your fear to mine and we will be an unstoppable, irrational force.  Onward frightened soldiers; let the panic commence!

-Dylan

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