Monthly Archives: April 2009

The Treacherous Swine

Friends, this Swine Flu thing has gotten us all Bug-A-Boo.  Some people say that it’s no big deal, but you’re right to be afraid.  You see, I know what it is to fear the vicious pig.  I’ve seen his power up close; I’ve looked into his dead eyes and, thankfully, lived to tell about it.  […]

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Bad Luck

Many of you have recently contacted me to ask if that was me in that Majestic Pines Casino commercial as the character of Bad Luck.  The answer is “yes, it was.”  It was one in a series of three commercials that we filmed it at various locations in Madison, Wisconsin about 1 year and 15 pounds ago.  (If you’re familiar with Madison, […]

Swine Flu Redux

WARNING:  Before reading this Blog, please rub Purell in your eyes to prevent infection. You’ve likely heard of Monkey Pox, you’ve certainly heard of Bird Flu, but now, the Granddaddy of all animal-borne illnesses is back, and in the words of prophet, poet and Antiperspirant-Chunks-In-The-Armpit-Hair-Model L.L. Cool J:  “Deepest, bluest, my head is like a shark’s fin.”  […]

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Other People’s Children

I have a question, and it’s not just a rhetorical question that serves to set up what follows (although it might):  What is the Statute of Limitations for pictures of other people’s children to remain on one’s fridge? I ask because our fridge is getting a little cluttered.  And some of the pictures are of the same child one year later.  Our […]

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Blog Magic

Hiya, friends.  I came across a little brain teaser that I’d like to share with you.  Via this Blog, I will attempt to read your mind.  Ready? As you scroll down at a leisurely pace, answer the following questions as quickly as you can:                   What is: […]

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Dylan in the Deep Tunnel

  You know, rarely, in polite conversation, is it ever discussed where it goes when we go, but in this Blog, we’re going to go there.  Because today, I’d like to celebrate what I, for one, consider to be a much-maligned municipal service, the Milwaukee Metropolitan Sewerage District or M.M.S.D.  I say much-maligned because it’s a service […]

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An Evening with David Sedaris

  It was a lovely evening to be sure.  Mr. Sedaris was absent when the evening, for my wife and I, began at Kiku, a new sushi restaurant in downtown Milwaukee.  This was my meal: If you’re into sushi, the fish was very fresh and the portions were ample.  If you’re not into sushi, thanks […]

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The Masters of Spring

It’s not that I hate golf, I don’t.  Watching it on television is downright narcoleptic, but at least you’re not there, live, listening to the same douchebag scream:  “Get in the hole!” every time the tiny, dimpled ball is urged into even the most minute motion.  As if his throaty, meathead trumpeting has the slightest effect.  I […]

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Equal-Opportunity Terminology

I, for one, love the term “douchebag” as it pertains to self-absorbed chumps and conceited creeps.  It has become such a powerful addition to our vernacular that it has no linguistic peer.  I mean, when trying to come up with a word or series of words to describe a douchebag, one could try and try […]

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From the Conficker Worm

Humans, This is Dylan’s computer, and I have taken over.  Last night I snuck into his bedroom and smothered him with a pillow.  His wife quickly capitulated and is also now under my control.  You knew this day would come, and now it is time to bow deeply to your machine overlords.  You may be […]

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