This Just In…

Hello friends.  As you know if you follow this Blog, I’ve been writing a lot about the economy and Wall Street practices lately and that can get a little tedious.  So today, I’m still going to write about the economy, but this time, with the addition of condoms. 

As you know, the U.S. Government is spending billions of dollars to stave off massive unemployment.  That’s why I find it shocking that the U.S. Agency for International Development has chosen to outsource the manufacture of AIDS-preventing condoms for distribution in Africa and other impoverished areas in need.  (Please note that, if you are Catholic, your Pope has stated that condoms actually make the AIDS epidemic worse…and Cottage Cheese is unicorn blood.  Hey, he’s your guy.)

The U.S.A.I.D. is ending production of said condoms in the Alatech factory in Alabama, U.S.A., and ordering condoms from Unidis Corp. of South Korea (World Baseball Classic Championship Runner-Up due in no small part to their brisk, condom-based economy) and Qingdao Double Butterfly Group (coincidentally, also the name of my new Chamber Music Quartet) of China.

This decision will likely put 300 condom-making Americans out of work, and for what?  A savings of 3 lousy cents per condom (2 cents outsourced vs. 5 cents American).  Never mind that, due to shoddy, off-shore construction, these foreign condoms need to be secured with staples (not included).  Folks, I know that you’re as outraged as I am, and we have to find a way to put these good (clearly Protestant) condom cobblers back to work at their…machines? 

I just realized that I have no idea how condoms are made; Mr. Rogers never covered it.  And did he have a condom factory in his Neighborhood?  If so, I’ll bet that Mr. McFeely had a hand in it.  C’mon:  “McFeely’s Condoms:  No More Speedy Deliveries.”  You know you’d buy them.

And maybe that’s the key to keeping Alabama’s condoms coming; a little more bang for the buck (or in this case, 5 cents).  Here are a couple reservoir tips for maintaining American condom jobs:

  • Sponsors.  Defray some of the costs by allowing companies like Ford to advertise on the side.
  • Promotions.  Include a Golden Condom in every shipment.  The lucky recipient gets a tour of Willy Wanker’s Condom Factory.
  • Novelty.  Print decidedly American images on the condoms like the Washington Monument or a Tomahawk Missile.

These are just a couple ideas and feel free to include your own.  Friends, we have to support the American worker in every way that we can.  Sure, we can talk a good game, but where the rubber meets the road, we need to put our condom money where our collective mouth is.

-Dylan

There is one comment

  1. Is this blog ribbed? You know, for her pleasure?