Readers of this Blog will remember that just three short weeks ago, another Monday was erased by a “Big Game” hangover and here we are again. Except this time the culprits were Mimosas, spinach dip and Brussels Sprouts wrapped in bacon. There is some solace, however, as it’s all part of celebrating the wonderful diversity of non-sanctioned, National holidays: The fiercely heterosexual “Big Game” Sunday and not-so-fiercely-heterosexual Oscar© Sunday.
It started early with the E! Red Carpet show where they (E!) mainly took pictures of their correspondents standing on the Red Carpet©. But we couldn’t stay with them for long because the Barbara Walters’ Special© was coming on, and I was really curious as to what makes the Jonas Brothers© tick; especially what gave them the cojones to think that they could take the stage with Stevie Wonder at the Grammys© and screw up his song. It was very entertaining, however, to listen to Barbara© hint at their budding, pubescent sexuality and watch them fondle their Purity Rings© like a trio of horny Golems©. Barbara, in the world of Cougars, you’re a Sabre-Toothed Tiger.
And congratulations to the continent of Australia. With Hugh Jackman, you’re back on top. Not since Paul Hogan have we fallen for your fair Down Under© like this. (By the way, Portia de Rossi? Australian? Really?) What with being usurped by a drunken Mel Gibson, the sweeping Lord of the Rings© trilogy and the hilarious Flight of the Conchords©, you were probably worried, but there can be no doubt that Australia is sexy again.
And you know what that means, folks. An Australian accent will make you sexy, too. What’s that? You say you don’t do accents very well? Not to worry; as always, I’m here to help.
Australia is a fascinating former penal colony with a rich heritage and culture. It’s important to remember that when saying things like “G’day©,” “Throw another shrimp on the barbie” and “May your chooks turn into emus and kick your shithouse door down!”
For Americans trying to master the Australian accent, here’s where you start: Do your best Southern U.S. dialect. (If you happen to currently live south of the Mason/Dixon line, just speak normally; you’re half-way there.) Go ahead; I’ll wait…
Good enough. Now, do your best English dialect (the more “Cockney” the better)…diphthongs, people, remember your diphthongs!
Nice. Now, against all of the intentions of God© and Nature, combine the two accents. Initially, you may feel like the subject of an exorcism, but that’s okay. And don’t worry if the parts aren’t perfect; the Australian accent is not an exact science. Go ahead and give it a shot…
Bravo!© Now get out there to the singles bars and practice. Remember though, if you want to really pull off being Australian, you’d better be able to hold your liquor. By this I mean: Don’t “chunder¹.” Feel free to fight, fall down, break things and blame the Jews for everything² however.
One more Oscar© note: A big thumbs-up to former Milwaukeeans Dan Harmon and Rob Schrab for their work on Hugh Jackman’s throroughly entertaining opening number. Dan and Rob wrote Hugh’s lyrics, and Rob built the spartan, yet incredibly creative sets.
¹ “To Vomit”
² …Mel G.