So Very S.A.D.

Oh, it’s you.  Good to see you.  Although it would be better to see you with a massive, SUCKING CHEST WOUND!

Whoa!  Holy Cow, did I just write that?  I am so sorry, I don’t mean it; it’s just my Seasonal Affective Disorder talking.  If you’re anything like me and hundreds of thousands of others that live this far north of the equator, you know exactly what I’m talking about.  Seasonal Affective Disorder, or S.A.D., is very real.  It is a type of depression that occurs as the days grow shorter and colder. 

So you might be asking yourself:  “Why do we get depressed in winter?”  Well, it seems to stem from inadequate bright light in winter.  Researchers theorize that bright light actually changes the chemicals in the brain.  Then again, the Researchers also have theories regarding the touch of a woman and what it will feel like when the Researchers finally EXPERIENCE IT!

I did it again, didn’t I?  Sorry, Researchers. 

Now you may also be saying:  “But I don’t get depressed in winter; I love it!”  If this describes you, you are likely suffering from Advanced Seasonal Affective Disorder.  With A.S.A.D, the brain is so overrun by S.A.D. that it starts to accept the disease.  It’s like a hostage sympathizing with its captors…like Patty Hearst Syndrome or P.H.S.  And combined, A.S.A.D.P.H.S. is as serious as it sounds, and I have first-hand knowledge.  My B.F.F. at the M.M.S.D. had A.S.A.D.P.H.S. 

So how can you tell if you have Seasonal Affective Disorder?  The Seven Major Symptoms are:  tiredness, fatigue, crying spells, irritability, loss of sex drive, poor sleep and overeating.  If you experience these symptoms, it is likely you have S.A.D…or P.M.S. 

Seasonal Affective Disorder wasn’t always recognized as a disease.  It wasn’t until 1985 that it was diagnosed and then brought to light in January of that year when U.S.A. for Canada, a group of 80’s recording artists like Billy Joel, Cindy Lauper, Darrell Hall and John Oates, a total of six Jacksons, Dan Aykroyd for some reason and many more banded together, formed U.S.A. for Canada and recorded the song:  “We are So Cold.”  Perhaps you remember it: 

“We are so Cold, Where is the Sunshine?  When I drive home from work, it’s darker than a coal mine.”  And so on. 

All of the proceeds from sales of the single went to put an end to Canada’s national nightmare of Alberta Clippers.  But those Canucks kept producing their cold fronts and sending them south.  And, to make matters worse, while trying to help Canada, U.S.A. for Canada developed the first known case of Seasonal Affective Disorder.  Seeking someplace warm, they changed their name to U.S.A. for Africa and recorded “We are the World.”

So as you can see, Seasonal Affective Disorder is real and it’s tough to avoid.  Especially during the endless, dreamless, dry, gray death that is winter in Wisconsin.  It helps to scatter a bunch of holidays around during winter, but they’re long gone and we’ve still got a ways to go.  Sure we can look forward to Presidents’ Day which we traditionally celebrate by buying a new mattress set, but it’s still not enough to cure our S.A.D.

If you experience S.A.D. here are some tips:*

1.  Go Tanning.  There’s nothing like slathering on some tanning accelerator, standing in a microwave for twenty minutes and coming out smelling like a Hawaiian Luau.

2.  When it’s out, get all the sun you can.  If the sun is only out for 6-8 hours a day, make the most of it.  Get the sun to your brain quicker by staring at it through a pair of binoculars.

3.  Booze.

Thanks for reading.  I hope this helps and I hope, in some small way, I’ve made your day a little better.  See you in Spring, YOU RANCID WASTE OF SKIN!

Sorry.  I’m very sorry.

-Dylan

*By writing these tips, I in no way endorse them as they range from irresponsible and foolish to downright dangerous.  Thank you.

There is one comment

  1. Cassandra wrote

    Dylan, you just made me come out of hibernation. I swear I was just gonna pull out the old February noose, and then I had a good laugh. Hilarious! Thank you.