The Kiss

Hey, I want you to think about your best kiss.  The best kiss you ever gave; the best kiss you ever received.  Do you remember him or her?  Do you remember where you were?  Do you remember deciding that you were going to do it? 

I sure do.  The best kiss I ever gave was to my own forearm.  I was told that the forearm was very sensitive and if you kissed it, you could feel how someone else might feel your kiss.  Plus, my forearm has some very pronounced tendons that kind of look like lips, so it was win-win. 

Maybe you consider yourself a good kisser, but how much do you really know about it?

For instance, did you know that lips are like fingerprints, and that no two lip prints are alike?  Two thirds of couples tilt their head to the right when they kiss.  Are you looking to exercise those hard-to-reach facial muscles?  Well, you should know that a simple peck only works 2 muscles in the face, while a passionate kiss works all 34 facial muscles.  You can tell the truly passionate kissers by their bulging, sinewy faces. 

The average woman kisses 29 men before she gets married.  Now remember, that’s the average.  At one end you’ve got women like Tila Tequila whose mouth has had more visitors than the Smithsonian and whose saliva is a Cajun gumbo of disease.  At the other end, you’ve got your Amish women.  In the middle are the average women that kiss 29 men before they’re married.  To be fair, many of those kisses occur during the Bachelorette Party along with something called “Suck for a Buck,” which I assume raises money to combat Chronic Wasting Disease. 

But what about the guys?

Men who kiss their partners before they leave for work statistically have higher incomes than men who don’t.  So, fellas, the next time you’re planning on asking for that big raise, smear some lipstick across your face and muss your hair.  That’ll show your boss that you’re ready for that corner office.  Heck, why not cut out the middle man?  Have your wife come in and make out with your boss directly.

Plus, kissing releases the same endorphins and neurotransmitters in the brain as running, bungee jumping or skydiving.  So, as far as your brain is concerned, kissing causes exhaustion, fear and panic.  Throw in a little shame, and you’ve got puberty.

But maybe you don’t consider yourself a good kisser, and you’re reading this right now hoping for a little advice.  Don’t worry, friend, Mr. Nimble Lips is typing this very sentence with his mouth alone.  You’ve come to the right place.  All you have to do is follow these tips: 

1.  You have to be kissable.  Make sure your lips are clean and free of debris.  And make sure that your breath is fresh.  Chances are your going to be very nervous prior to the kiss and nervousness can lead to something called dry mouth.  Have something on hand like gum or a breath mint.

2.  Assess the situation.  Is the time right to move in?  Ask yourself these questions:  Is she relaxed?  Is she smiling?  Do you know her name?  Look for the signs that she would be receptive to a kiss like playing with her hair, subtle touching and consciousness.

3.  The timid seldom make history!  Seize her head in your hands and move in!  Open your mouth as wide as you can and flex your tongue so she can see it coming!  (Pound for pound the tongue is the strongest muscle in the human body, and chicks dig muscles.)  When your lips touch hers, suck in slightly to form a seal and then let your tongue explore!  Let it fly inside her mouth like an unmanned fire hose!  Get it in between her teeth; explore every nook and cranny!  From the outside, she should look like a pelican with a fresh fish flopping around in her pouched bill!  See how far back your tongue can go!  When you pull away, don’t worry if you see a thin thread of saliva hanging between you; in many cultures it’s considered a compliment…like belching after a meal! 

Congratulations, tenderfoot, you’ve just given your first kiss, and chances are, after you took her breath away, she ran outside to get some fresh air…and call the police. 

You’re welcome.

-Dylan

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