To All Charitable Organizations Who Happen To Have My Address

Folks, I’m a charitable guy.  Which is why when I received a charitable solicitation accompanied by some cute return address labels in the mail two months ago, I sent them a couple bucks.  Well, guess what?  That charity had some charity friends.  And it was nice enough to tell its charity friends about me.  Now, when I go out to the mailbox, I feel like I’ve wandered into a petting zoo covered in Grape Nuts.

If you are one of those charities that likes to include return address labels, and you’re reading this, allow me to say:  “Thank you.  Thank you for meeting, and surpassing my return address label needs.  Please do not send anymore.  Sure, I hate writing my name and address as much as the next guy, and I enjoy the status that only a well-printed return address label can offer a guy like me…especially with the folks in the mail room at WE Energies, but I just don’t need anymore return address labels.  I don’t know that I’ve ever needed this many.” 

I pray for the day that we cure all diseases and we won’t require money for research and I’m willing to help out until that time comes.  I’m just saying that the return address labels are no longer acting as an incentive.

Now, some of these charities have taken it one step further.  They claim that every nickel counts and, by way of proof, they send a nickel…attached to the paper with rubber cement.  If one such charity is reading this:  I know for some people who require visual and tactile affirmation of a particular concept, that nickel is a symbol of how easy it is to help, and those same people probably really appreciate that you took the time to rubber cement a nickel to the paper.  I, on the other hand, am just confused.  If nickels are so important, why are you sending them to me?  Keep them…please!  Besides, if I do send you a donation that is tax-deductible to the fullest extent of the law, I would prefer you not use it for nickels and rubber cement.

Thank you.

-Dylan

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