Hollywood Royalty

I don’t know if we have a say in the matter, but I’d like to appoint some new Hollywood royalty.  For years Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have reigned, but I feel the polish on the scepter is beginning to fade if it hasn’t already.

I never quite understood the fascination.  The Red Carpet sycophants from E! and TV Guide and so forth would have us think that love, happiness and glamour stream from Brad and Angelina like spider silk, but I think the perennially perky E! correspondents might be flogging a dead unicorn.

Watching the Red Carpet coverage from the SAG awards last night, it was clear that the response from the fans in attendance was more Pavlovian than actual joy; as if the high-pitched squealing was Heimliched out of them by a sense of obligation. 

I have no issue with Brad Pitt.  I’ve enjoyed most everything I’ve seen him in, and he seems like a genuine, caring fellow underneath his cloak of stardom, and he’s been very hands-on when it comes to rebuilding New Orleans (www.makeitrightnola.org).  I liked Benjamin Button better when it was Forrest Gump, and you’d be VERY hard pressed to do it better than Tom Hanks, but you can’t fault Brad Pitt for taking the gig.

I have a different feeling when it comes to Angelina Jolie.  She was very good in Girl, Interrupted, but I don’t understand all of this Changeling buzz.  Maybe it’s because I, like many men, tend to try to lay low and avoid the impending swath of destruction when we see a woman screaming and crying for two and a half hours.  It may well be a very good film, but I’ve retreated to the basement and am busy drilling holes into wood and sanding things until it blows over.

My point is that I’m not sure she’s earned her aloof and regal air.  Johnny Depp has an aloof and regal air too, but it seems to come from humility and kindness, whereas Angelina Jolie is poised to punish direct eye contact with a beat down from her security guards.  (By the way, listening to her speak, is she Australian now?)  But what do I know about it.

Nevertheless, I think it’s time to coronate a new celebrity couple.

In the category of New Celebrity Couple For Us To Fawn Over To Replace Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (“Brangelina”), the nominees are:

Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick (“Kedgwick”), Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson (“Tita Wilhanks”), Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith (“Winket Smith”), Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi (“El de Grossi”) and Josh Brolin and Diane Lane (“J-Brain”).

And the winner is…

(To Be Continued)

-Dylan

Comments are closed.