I would like to start my own gym. The trouble is that I still have a membership at Bally’s Total Fitness. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to cancel your membership with Bally’s, but, trust me, it’s very difficult. To their credit, they have made it a little easier. Nowadays, if you want to cancel you membership, all you have to do is go to your local Bally’s and blow your brains out all over the StairMaster. After that, they’ll generally stop charging your bank account within six months.
But there is another way. During my last visit, while I was running on the indoor track, I noticed an Emergency Door. On the door was a sign reading: “Emergency use only! Unauthorized use of this door may result in a loss of membership.” Seriously?! All this time I’ve been making phone calls and sitting on hold and sending proof of address when all I had to do was open the Emergency Door?! Crazy!
But my gym would be very different from other gyms due in no small part to the very few, yet very specific rules. First of all, NO WOMEN. This rule is in NO WAY intended to be sexist. I have a great deal of respect for women and the tight, psychological grip that they have on me. Rather this rule is important because trying to impress women with their physical prowess is the leading cause of gym injuries among men.
The other rule is the Towel Rule. A towel must be carried and UTILIZED at all times. This rule used to be universal, but many gyms have gotten very lax with it. Always wipe down the machine when you’re done with it. No one wants to approach the curl machine only to splash down in your Grunt Gravy.
Also, in the locker room, you must always wear the towel around your waist. Look, I’m not ashamed of my body; God knows Science has been studying it for years, but a little modesty would be nice. After all, it’s a locker room, not Caligula’s Rome.
And by all means, when your sitting naked on the benches, PUT THE TOWEL DOWN FIRST. It’s incredibly unnerving to see you sitting there with absolutely no barrier between your glutes and the bench. And then to watch you get up with an audible POP only to see a dime-sized hickey on the pine.
And when you’re standing at the sink, WEAR THE TOWEL. The height of the counter is designed to accommodate men of all statures. Unfortunately, for far to many men, that means that the counter comes up to right about Groin Level. For some strange reason, many of these men see that as an invitation to say: You rest right there, little buddy, and watch Daddy shave. And I guarantee, people will hesitate to extend their membership when you’ve got yours extended all over the counter.