To Whom it May Concern:
First of all, thank you for providing your warm, semi-solid nourishment. For my entire life, you’ve warmed my belly after intense snowball fights and come to my rescue when I was home sick from school. Your Alphabet Soup helped teach me to read, however poorly. (Honestly, you have to know that the odds of a spoonful of Alphabet Soup correctly spelling a word are astronomical.) But it was the humble beginning of the online security tool called Captcha.
You’ve come a long way from your Condensed Chicken Noodle to Select Harvest, no doubt intended for the distinguished palette of the Jet-Setting elite. You’ve even removed the arduous step of adding water to your product, which took the time it used to take to fill a can with water and add it to the soup and returned it to the family unit where it was better spent on things like Pictionary and Science Fair projects.
Personally, I loved to dip a corner of my peanut butter and jelly sandwich into your Condensed Chicken Noodle. The flavors and textures surpassed anything that Willy Wonka himself could have devised. (By the way, is Willy Wonka dead? How does something like that work?) I don’t eat peanut butter anymore because, well, this one time, peanuts tried to kill my wife, and I’m not a hero or anything but IT’S ON! But I digress.
The purpose of this note is to call your attention to a discrepancy that I thought you should be aware of, and it has to do with your Campbell’s Chunky “Healthy Request.” Is this not redundant? Isn’t soup, in and of itself, the tacit reply to the consumer’s “healthy request?”
“Let’s see, I could eat a frozen pizza…or I could have a can of Campbell’s Soup.” Are you not the “healthy request” in this scenario?
And, does this imply that your other soups are somehow “unhealthy?” Are your other soups made with road salt, raw chicken and melamine? Surely not! And now that you’ve discovered the secret to “healthy” soup, isn’t it incumbent upon you to apply that recipe across the board? Lives hang in the balance, Campbell’s!
I write this letter with much love and respect, and if I didn’t consider you a delicious friend, believe me, I wouldn’t bother. Campbell’s soup will always line my kitchen cupboards as well as the shelves in my Safe Room. I’ve also been saving the labels as part of your Labels for Education program and, someday, I hope to use them to put our kids through college. You are our personal 529 Plan. By the way, do you happen to know how many labels it takes to get into Northwestern?
Your Enriched Egg Noodle,