The Big Three are back in Washington today. Of course I’m referring to the Father, Son and Chrysler. After their dressing down the last time they were in Washington, they flew back to Detroit, formulated a plan to cut 20,000 more middle class jobs, drove back in Hybrids and asked for even more money. As long as we’re making them sing for their supper, let’s go further with it. Let’s make them dress up like French Maids and serve tea. Let’s lock them in a closet and make them play “Seven Minutes in Heaven.” Let’s make them fight like gladiators and the winner gets the money.
I wonder why we didn’t make the Wall Street firms dance like this.
All the while, ads for automobiles are airing on television. You’ve seen them. A man covers his wife’s eyes and leads her outside to reveal a brand spankin’ new ride with a huge red ribbon on it. I can’t help but wonder: Who are these people? Is there really a segment of our society that exchanges automobiles for the Holidays? Maybe it’s because the automotive companies are sitting in front of Congress begging for a loan, but the car commercials always seem to ring hollow and sheepish. There’s an air of desperation in them. But if we consumers are to take on debt that loses value the minute you drive it off the lot, to be effective, the auto makers are going to have to appeal to our Lizard Brain. I think the commercials will also have to be apropos of the Holiday Season in which we currently find ourselves. In an effort to, in my own small part, help the American Auto Industry get back on all four, fully-inflated tires, I’ve created the following commercial:
A choir of angels sing while Joseph, Mary and two wise men are gathered around a manger. Suddenly, “Slow Ride” by Foghat begins to play. A powerful wind blows the halos from the heads of the angels while lifting their robes to reveal the newest Victoria’s Secret fashions.
The Third Wise Man driving in a Pontiac Firebird. He wears aviator sunglasses and a cigarette dangles rakishly from his mouth. On the dash is a Northstar of Bethlehem GPS system leading him to a destination titled: “David, City of.”
Mary, Joseph and the Two Wise Men looking on in shock. The angels are wrestling. The Firebird skids into frame, covering the onlookers in a cloud of desert dust.
Close Up of the ground and lower portion of the driver’s door. It opens and a couple Budweiser cans fall out. The cigarette drops and is crushed by an ostrich skin boot. Pan up to the Wise Man as he says: “Hey Kid.” He tosses the keys. They rise into the sky and, for a moment, become a brilliant star.
The stable as the keys fall into the manger and we hear a baby say: “Sweet.” The angels coo and strut towards the camera.
Close up of the Third Wise Man’s sunglasses. The angels are reflected in them as the Wise Man smirks.
Logo. Fade to Black.
Now that would make me take on and additional $25,000 worth of bad debt. This one’s on me, American Auto Industry. I’d be happy to produce it for you for a mere $34 Billion.