Hello again, friends. It would appear that I have fallen victim to the “Creeping Crud” that’s been plaguing many of you. That’s right; I’m sick. I am, however, determined not to let it affect these Blogs because, you see, writing unsolicited essays for your consumption is not only presumptuous and arrogant on my part, but it’s also incredibly brave. Despite the fact that my body is focusing nearly every spare resource on producing mucus, I must soldier on with these correspondences that you didn’t ask for. No need to not thank me; that’s not why I don’t do it. I think I might have accidentally taken the NyQuil instead of the DayQuil, so forgive me if I lakhsglhasodioasdgohonvos
Sorry about that. It appears that I passed out on the keyboard and it’s now early evening. Either that or, based on the time that I’ve lost and can’t seem to recall, I was abducted by aliens.
I hope you all had a pleasant Thanksgiving. In honor of this most American of holidays, I’ve assembled some trivia that you may not have known. For instance, did you know that turkey was not likely on the menu during the first Thanksgiving back in 1621? It’s true. A Native American named Squanto taught the Plymouth Colony Pilgrims how to grow corn…and catch EEL. Eel for crying out loud! No white meat, no dark meat, just eel meat! And no wishbone to break in order to wish for something other than eel.
And apparently, all that eel meat made the Pilgrims crazy because just 70 years later, they thought it would be a great idea to cook something aside from eel, namely their women. Not all their women of course, just the ones that didn’t act normal. The folks that brought us Thanksgiving were the same folks that later gave us The Salem Witch Trials. Thankfully, today we don’t burn outspoken women at the stake; instead we put them on The View. But back then, it was a very different story.
Very few records of that time have survived to modern day but, today, I present to you a transcript of an actual copyrighted conversation between two Pilgrims.
David: Brother Ethan, these two women have been found guilty of the crime of witchcraft and are hereby sentenced to be burned at the stake. Witch One will be burned at the stake tonight, and Witch Two will be burned at the stake tomorrow. Is this understood?
Ethan: Yes, Brother David. I have but one question: Which One will be burned tonight?
David: That is correct. Now what is your question?
Ethan: That was my question.
David: Witch One will be burned tonight?
David: Which what?
Ethan: Which Witch?
David: Witch One.
Ethan: Which one is Witch One?
David: Of course she is.
Ethan: Brother David: I am to burn a witch tonight.
Ethan: And the witch I tie to the stake atop the tinder will be which one?
Ethan: Okay, let’s try this: Brother David, which one is Witch Two?
Ethan: What do you mean “no?”
David: No, Brother Ethan, Witch One is Witch One.
Ethan: THAT’S WHAT I’M ASKING YOU!
(Muted Trombone) Wah-Wah-Wah-Waaaaaaaah.